The Secret Lives of Hoarders_ True Stories of Tackling Extreme Clutter - Matt Paxton [66]
A cleaning team may be the only people a hoarder has let into the house in years. The fact that the hoarder even lets someone inside is a huge deal. The hoarder shares personal stories and is at a vulnerable time in his or her life. By the time the cleaning is done, the team members are usually the closest, most trusted contacts the hoarder has in the outside world.
Not wanting us to leave is a positive thing! It means the hoarder is enjoying relationships and rediscovering the ability to connect with other people. A hoarder’s social skills are often rusty. It can be awkward at first because sometimes a hoarder has forgotten how to have relationships. Family and friends need to be very tolerant and forgiving as they help direct this positive impulse back out into the world.
I always suggest planning something social for when the cleaning is done. For example, one of Aimee’s goals was to invite friends into her home. We set a date about six months from the cleaning start date for her to have a party, which gave her a realistic deadline for getting the house cleaned up and keeping it clean after we left. The party date was at the same time as the season finale of the television show Sex and the City, so Aimee decided to invite four girlfriends from her past to watch the show.
It went really well. It was the first time Aimee had had people in the house in eight years, and she was thrilled that the visit wasn’t about hoarding, or shame, or explaining and defending her mess. Instead, it was about friends enjoying one another’s company and about her being able to offer hospitality to her guests. Her friends were also glad just to see her again. They kept commenting on how great it was to have her back in their lives. This experience started Aimee on a positive path toward a social future. Aimee had really bonded with the cleaning crew, and in fact, she is still one of my favorite people in the world. She is one of the first people I call on Christmas morning.
Family members are usually the natural first connection for a hoarder to make. They can point a hoarder toward a wider social circle that can include friends, support groups, classes, work, volunteering, or hobbies and pastimes. Aimee’s friends from a decade earlier returned to her life and rallied to support her after the cleanup, proving that true friendship will still be there for a hoarder when he or she decides to reconnect.
▶ Undergoing Therapy
No matter how intent a person may be, or how willing to take responsibility for his or her actions, sometimes it is simply impossible to do it alone. Without professional follow-up therapy, up to 85 percent of serious hoarders will go right back into the behavior. Even with therapy, I see up to half of late-stage hoarders slip back into it.
Li talked about her shopping compulsion with a therapist who specialized in obsessive-compulsive behavior and hoarding. What she really worked on were the issues that were driving her shopping. Her therapist helped her see why she felt the need to have designer clothes, a Mercedes, and expensive jewelry. Li realized that she had issues from being an immigrant with minimal education who initially had to raise her children in a tiny house in a run-down neighborhood. Every time Li bought herself a designer purse or a pair of earrings, or an expensive gift for a friend, she felt validated that America had indeed given her a better life.
Li’s hoarding had interfered with her marriage, and after her husband died, it threatened to ruin her relationship with her children. She finally realized that she had chosen stuff over her children because it was easier than working