The Trouble With Eden - Lawrence Block [150]
“What a thing to keep inside you.”
“I couldn’t do it. You saw that I couldn’t.”
“What a string of changes to go through. It’s all so far-out. I’m sick of that expression but nothing else fits. It’s so completely far-out.”
“And I didn’t shock you?”
“Do I look shocked?”
“But what do you really think, Karen?”
“You probably know.”
“I have to hear it.”
“Right. Well, I think you have a beautiful thing. The thing is it works for you.”
“Sometimes I’m so disgusted with myself. And with him.”
“For putting up with it?”
“For wanting it.”
“Putting up with it might be sick. But not wanting it.”
“I know, but sometimes—”
“Sure.”
Later she said, “Karen? Could we?”
“You have to say you love me.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“I love you, you know.”
“It’s the words, it’s getting the words out. Oh, God, what you do to me. The way you touch me. I love you. Was that what you want to hear?”
“I want to hear it a lot.”
“Oh, God, God, I do. I love you.”
And afterward, “Will you tell him about this, Melanie?”
“I was just thinking that.”
“It wouldn’t bother me.”
“I thought it would. It really wouldn’t? I think it would, but you won’t say so. You’re a Virgo but you’re devious. A Virgo on the Leo cusp. Cusp is a sexy word, isn’t it? No, I won’t tell him. Not tonight. Maybe someday. Not tonight.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you. Because this is ours. Do you know something? I am cheating on him for the first time. But it still isn’t cheating, is it? Will we see each other sometime?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have anybody else?”
“Not right now, but I will. You’re thinking that that will bother you. But it won’t.”
“I feel so strange.”
“I know.”
“So very strange.”
“I know.”
TWENTY-FOUR
Nude, Gretchen stepped onto the bathroom scale. It was new; Peter had bought it for her when she first began to gain weight. She noted now that she had only gained a pound since the last time she weighed herself. She was not sure just how long it had been, but it didn’t seem as though it could have been very long. She was always getting on that scale these days; it was something she found herself doing every time she had her clothes off.
She dressed now, humming softly to herself. This was the perfect afternoon for what she had to do. She had dropped a load of wash at the laundromat when she took Robin to play with some other children. The clothes would be ready to go in the dryer now, and on the way back she could stop at the Raparound for a cup of hot chocolate and a piece of crumb cake. Three tasks would be handled on one trip. She would be concerning herself with the business of maintaining her household, the business of gaining weight, and the business of guarding her flanks.
It was simply a matter of organization, of using time properly. Of course you had to be very intelligent to manage it and you had to possess an iron will. But none of what she was doing would be possible without an iron will.
There were times when it seemed that gaining weight was the hardest part of all. Eating was no problem. Here was where will came into play. The ordinary person ate when he was hungry and confined himself to food he enjoyed eating. But this would not do in her case. She was never hungry; she could never abide the taste of food. So she rose above herself and ate anyway, pretending to enjoy every bite she swallowed. And it was working. She was still thin but she was gaining weight.
But so slowly! Of course it was all part of the plan. They never made it easy for you. If you were overweight, then even a starvation diet brought little weight loss, while the least bit of eating shot your weight up again. If you were underweight, you had to gorge yourself put any weight on your bones, and if you relaxed vigil the pounds melted away before you knew it. It was doubly hard for her because she had to concentrate so hard. The concentration burned off valuable calories, but she didn’t dare relax her concentration for a moment.
Anything was possible if you concentrated. Anything. She could gain weight, she could manage the household, she could cook meals,