The valley of horses_ a novel - Jean M. Auel [287]
“Is anything wrong, Ayla?” Jondalar asked, reaching up to cup a full firm breast, because he knew he could and that made him want to.
She leaned into his hand, remembering his touch. “No, nothing is wrong.”
He smiled, recalled his deep satisfaction, and felt renewed stirrings. Soon, he thought. I think she has Haduma’s touch!
She saw warmth and desire in his blue eyes. Maybe he’ll want to make Pleasures with me again, Ayla thought, smiling back. Then her smile faded. If a baby hasn’t started, and we do Pleasures again, one could start. Maybe I should take Iza’s secret medicine, the one she said not to mention to anyone.
She remembered when Iza told her about the plants—golden thread and root of antelope sage—that had such potent magic, they could add strength to a woman’s totem to fight off the man’s impregnating essences, and prevent life from starting. Ayla had just learned she was pregnant. Iza had not told her about the medicine before—no one thought she would ever have a baby, and it hadn’t come up in her training. Strong totem or not, I had a baby, and I might again. I don’t know if it’s spirits or men, but the medicine worked for Iza, and I think I better take it, or I may have to take something else to lose one.
I wish I didn’t have to, I wish I could keep it. I would like to have a baby from Jondalar. Her smile was so tender and inviting that he reached up and pulled her down on him. The amulet, hanging around her neck, banged his nose.
“Oh, Jondalar! Did that hurt?”
“What do you have in that thing? It must be full of rocks!” he said, sitting up and rubbing his nose. “What is it?”
“It is … for my totem spirit, so he can find me. It holds the part of my spirit he recognizes. When he has given me signs, I keep them in there, too. Everyone in the Clan has one. Creb said if I lose it, I will die.”
“It’s a charm, or an amulet,” he said. “Your Clan does understand the mysteries of the spirit world. The more I learn about them, the more like people they seem, though not like any I know.” His eyes filled with contrition. “Ayla, it was my ignorance that made me behave as I did when I first understood who you meant by Clan. It was shameful, and I’m sorry.”
“Yes, it was shameful, but I am not angry or hurt anymore. You have made me feel … I want to make a courtesy, too. For today, for First Rites, I want to say … thank you.”
He grinned. “I don’t think anyone ever thanked me before.” The grin left, but a smile lingered though his eyes were serious. “If anyone should say it, I should. Thank you, Ayla. You don’t know what an experience you gave me. It hasn’t been that gratifying for me since …” He stopped and she saw a frown of pain. “ … since Zolena.”
“Who is Zolena?”
“Zolena is no more. She was a woman I knew when I was young.” He lay back down and stared up at the roof of the cave, silent for so long that Ayla did not think he would say any more. Then, to himself more than her, he began speaking.
“She was beautiful then. All the men talked about her, and all the boys thought about her, but none more than I, even before the donii came to me in my sleep. The night my donii came, she came as Zolena, and when I woke, my sleeping furs were full of my essence, and my head full of Zolena.
“I remember following her, or finding a place to wait where I could watch her. I begged the Mother for her. But I couldn’t believe it when she came to me. It could have been any one of the women, but the only one I wanted was Zolena—oh, how I wanted her—and she came to me.
“First, I just took my pleasure in her. Even then, I was big for my age—in many ways. She taught me how to control, how to use it, and she taught me what a woman needed. I learned I could get pleasure from a woman, even if she wasn’t quite deep enough, if I held myself back as long as possible, and made her ready. Then I wouldn’t need as much