Theory of Constraints Handbook - James Cox Iii [710]
You face numerous personal dilemmas over the course of your life. These dilemmas sap your energy, concentration, focus, motivation, etc. far more than you realize. Some might be one-time situations where the decision can change the whole course of your life; some might be a series of recurring dilemmas that evolve into a chronic conflict between you and another party; and some might be just plain and simple, nagging, day-to-day dilemmas. Let us provide a series of dilemmas drawn from personal experiences. Imagine the impact these dilemmas have on your energy, concentration, focus, and motivation in all facets of your life. We use one of our sons as the example. Please recognize that a similar series of dilemmas can exist with your daughter, spouse, parents, siblings, coworkers, subordinates, supervisors, etc. The objective (the A) and requirements (the B and C) may occasionally change for the person and the relationships you have with them, but this segment of the cloud usually repeats itself again and again across a number of different dilemmas.
Background: Father-Son Dilemmas
My son and I (and prior to that my daughter and I) seemed to continually argue about nothing (as far as I was concerned). I kept saying, “No, are you crazy?” or “No, you are too young!” to most of his requests. I was frustrated with our degenerating relationship. I hated to always be the bad guy. I wanted him to be safe, honest, well mannered, hard-working, and motivated. I felt it was my responsibility to ensure that he grew up to be a model citizen.
I finally realized I was in a chronic conflict.3 At this point, I reminded myself to question my own and my child’s assumptions based on the current situation and try to come up with a win-win solution. When he entered high school, I found the need to diagram some of the conflicts to gain a better understanding of our declining relationship. Our common objective was simple: to maintain a lasting father-son relationship. I consider this father-son cloud to be a chronic conflict as the son will always be pushing for more and more freedom as he gets older and the father will always examine the situation for security and want the son to make the right decisions. If I continually say “No!” then I create a relationship that I will regret the rest of my life. My son will just do what he wants behind my back and our lines of communication will be damaged or broken. On the other hand, if I continually say “Yes,” then I am irresponsible and am neglecting my role as a parent to provide a safe and secure environment.
In order to have a great father-son relationship, I want to ensure that my son makes responsible decisions. In order to have a great father-son relationship, my son wants me to recognize he is an adult (recognize that even a 12-year-old thinks he is an adult). In order to have a great father-son relationship, we need to accomplish both—I want to ensure my son makes responsible decisions and my son wants me to recognize he is an adult. In order that I want my son to make responsible decisions, my son must make the same decisions I would make. However, in order that my son wants me to recognize he is an adult, my son must be allowed to make his own decisions. On one hand, my son must make the same decisions I would make, while on the other hand, my son must be allowed to make his own decisions. Are these two actions D and D′ in conflict? Yes. Please read the cloud in Fig. 38-1a carefully to understand each person’s assumptions and their suggested injection