There but for The_ A Novel - Ali Smith [73]
Not the Harbour.
Okay, the girl said. We won’t go there.
Come on then. Where we going?
I don’t know, the girl said.
You know.
I can’t, the girl said. I can’t do that. And what about your lunch? They’re just doing the ward. It smells nice.
Well, after lunch then.
May was pleased about that. It was mince, it smelled like, today. The mince was good here.
After lunch then.
The girl went to take the shoes out of her hands. The old hands held on to the shoes as if the shoes were everything. May gave the girl a look so direct that the girl’s face crumpled and changed.
Oh God. Okay, the girl said. We’ll try. We’ll give it a go.
After lunch. We’re off.
Where, though? the girl said again. Where do you want me to take you? Home?
Where you come from.
Me? the girl said. Are you sure?
Never more sure in all my life.
The girl looked blank.
Then she got her phone thing out and fiddled about with it.
Hi, she said. It’s me. All right. Yeah. Yeah, if you do too. Yeah, does that mean you’re off then? Right now? Listen, that’s great, because. D’you think you could do me a favour, can you pick me up? Yeah, ha ha. Brilliant. Yeah, but listen Aidan, not the bike today, can you bring the car? Just because. Uh. Uh huh. No, babe, listen. Yeah. Yeah, I’ll send you the link. Well, whenever, really. Aw thanks, babe. Hour and a half. Right. I’ll wait at, like. No, the door I came in is where the buses go to, it’s where Accident and Emergency goes in, so just turn in there. Thanks. Yeah. No, I will, I’ll be there. Okay. Love you see you wouldn’t want to be you.
Not supposed to use them things in here.
Yeah but you won’t grass on me, the girl said. You’ll need a coat. Have you got a coat?
Anything but pink.
Do I tell the nurses we’re going? the girl said.
Don’t tell nobody nothing.
(Jennifer comes into the kitchen. She is nine years old. May is having a fly cigarette at the kitchen table since Eleanor, who is always going on about how smoking kills you, is out.
Mum, she says.
What now? May says.
No, listen. I need to ask you this question. What are human beings for? Jennifer says.
For? May says. What do you mean, for?
Jennifer hangs her weight off the door handle and swings off the door.
What’s the point of human beings? I mean like what are we for? she says.
Um, May says. The point of human beings. Well. It’s, it’s for looking after each other. We’re here to look after each other.
She is about to ask why Jennifer wants to know, but Jennifer is already gone, off through the door, already clattering up the stairs.
That night when May comes up to make sure the light’s off in the girls’ room, she sees a piece of paper on the top of the chest of drawers. It’s in Jennifer’s writing. She is always getting into trouble at school for her writing not being neat enough. May holds it up under the landing light and has a good look at it. WHAT HUMAN BEINGS ARE FOR. It’s all right, the writing. It’s not as bad as all that. And she gets good reports in all the subjects, so it’s not as if neat writing is the be all and end all.
Then it is seven years later, a blink of the eye later. Jennifer has been dead one year exactly, to the day. May is in the kitchen holding a piece of paper with a child’s handwriting on it. WHAT HUMAN BEINGS ARE FOR.
For having a good time RICK
For making the world a better place NOR
For looking after each other MUM
For building things that will last DAD
But because the thing she’s holding in her hand, written in Jennifer’s hand, is just a piece of paper in the end, nothing but a piece of paper, and because Jennifer’s hand is what the word cold now means, and always will mean from now on, she opens the cupboard door. The top of the bin opens by itself when you open the cupboard door. Philip attached the bin to the door in a way that means it does this. He is handy about the house.
She folds the piece of paper again and she puts it in the bin. She closes the cupboard door and the lid, as she does, closes on top of the bin by itself.
Knock knock knock.
Someone is at the front door.
May answers it. She has