Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me - Ben Karlin [12]
DEBRA
Hello?
ME
Hey, it’s David Wain.
DEBRA
Hey, you! What’s going on?
ME
Well . . . you were supposed to meet me at Joe’s Pub last night.
DEBRA
I know, I guess we sort of blew each other off, huh?
ME
I don’t know if I’d put it that way.
DEBRA
Hey, can I call you back in like two minutes? I have to pick up the other line.
ME
Sure. But do call me back because—
And she’s gone. Put sleep mask on, go back to bed. DREAM about horsies.
DECEMBER 9 — 7:03 p.m.
DEBRA
Hello?
ME
Hey, it’s David Wain.
DEBRA
What’s up?
ME
You were supposed to call me back the other morning, and I’ve been leaving you messages for the last two days.
DEBRA
Oh shit, I suck, sorry—my mom’s been in town and I’ve been crazed.
Stand up for yourself, David! Don’t let her walk all over you like that!
ME
It’s a little annoying.
DEBRA
Can I make it up to you? Can I take you out to dinner tonight?
ME
Sure.
DEBRA
Meet me at Gusto at eight?
ME
Okay.
Check hair in mirror. Thinning, dirty, but I can make it work for a candlelit dinner at Gusto.
DECEMBER 10 — 7:03 p.m.
DEBRA
Hello?
ME
Hi, Debra, it’s David.
DEBRA
Hey, you. Did you have fun last night?
ME
Definitely, though I feel like we didn’t get a chance to really talk, since there were sixteen of your other friends at the table, and the two of us literally didn’t talk.
DEBRA
I know—my friends tend to dominate the conversation. Aren’t they so funny?
No. They were not funny.
ME
Yes. They were hilarious. But . . . I went to the bathroom and then you were all gone.
DEBRA
Yeah, we didn’t know where you went. We went drinking and I tried to call you.
ME
You did?
DEBRA
Yeah, I guess your phone wasn’t working.
I stare at phone I am currently talking on. It is working.
DECEMBER 29 — 7:05 p.m.
Debra’s lobby. The doorman smiling at me, me smiling back.
DEBRA
Hello?
ME
Hey . . . I’m in your lobby.
DEBRA
David?
ME
Remember, we’re going to sushi? We talked about this an hour ago?
DEBRA
Would you mind terribly if I take a rain check, David? My best friend Jeff just got dumped and I need to be with him right now.
Enough.
ME
Sure. Have a nice life.
DEBRA
Don’t be like that! I really like you and really want to see you. I want you to be my date for New Year’s.
ME
Really?
DEBRA
Yeah! We can get together in the afternoon and get dressed, we’ll have some champagne here, then party hop all night. You and me.
ME
Okay.
DEBRA
Let’s make a plan now, so neither of us flakes. I’ll come to your apartment right from work. I’ll bring a few options and we’ll have a fashion show.
ME
Fun!
DEBRA
Okay, sweetie. See you then.
DECEMBER 31 — 5:00 p.m.
New Years Eve. Crisp blue shirt is ON. Ready to par-tay. Call up Deb.
DEBRA
Hello?
ME
It’s me, David.
DEBRA
Hey! Can’t wait for tonight. I might have to stay just a few minutes late at work—the boss wants to have a New Year’s toast at the end of the day—but I’ll be there within an hour, okay?
ME
Good!
DECEMBER 31 — 6:45 p.m.
DEBRA
Hi! Don’t kill me! I’m literally leaving the office right now. I hope you have the champagne on ice! Happy almost New Year!
ME
No problem! See you in a bit.
I put on the TV. Times Square heating up.
DECEMBER 31 — 7:30 p.m.
Staring at TV. Blood beginning to boil.
ME
Hey? Where are you? I’m at home waiting.
DECEMBER 31 — 7:40 p.m.
ME
It’s David. Where are you? Call me.
DECEMBER 31 — 7:58 p.m.
ME
Okay, I don’t know where you are. I’m gonna go to my friend Marisa’s party. But I have my cell, so call me. Please.
DECEMBER 31 — 9:00 p.m.
At Marisa’s sitting on the coats, on the bed.
ME
Hey, I hope you’re okay. I’m at Marisa’s. You have the address but I also texted it to you . . . along with the number for the land line. Call me!
DECEMBER 31 — 9:45 p.m.
ME
Where the fuck are you?
DECEMBER 31 — 11:00 p.m.
ME
Fuck you, Debra.
DECEMBER 31 — 11:59 p.m.
ME
Well I don’t know where you are but it’s about ten seconds until the New Year, and I hope you’re having