Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me - Ben Karlin [13]
JANUARY 1 — 2:38 a.m.
Outside on the street. No cabs. So cold I take a piss and it freezes upon hitting the street sign.
DEBRA
Hello???
ME
Hey.
DEBRA
David Wain! Hey! David Wain! Where have you been all night? I’ve been meaning to call you!
She sounds drunk, at least.
ME
Have you?
DEBRA
I had the most insane night. I think I’m on ’shrooms.
ME
Where are you now?
DEBRA
Walking my dog. Gotta go to sleep.
ME
You blew me off!
DEBRA
No, no . . . I was with these amazing people. You should have been there. We were dancing at this surreal party. Call me tomorrow?
JANUARY 9 — 3:00 p.m.
At home. Surfing the net (not porn). Phone rings.
ME
Hello?
DEBRA
Hey, it’s Debra, I just knocked on your door. but you’re not home.
ME
Actually I am home, and I heard you knocking. And I saw you through the peephole.
DEBRA
I came over to apologize for New Year’s. Will you let me in?
ME
Sure. Leave me a message and let me know when you want to come in.
DEBRA
I’m still in your hallway, just let me in.
ME
Cool. Keep me posted, let me know.
DEBRA
Open the door!
ME
Text me!
THE END
Lesson#5
The Heart Is a Choking Hazard
by Stephen Colbert
Author’s note: In the service of this anthology, I was happy to write the following story. However, before I turned it in, I thought it best to hand it over to my wife to make sure I didn’t reveal anything too personal, say anything defamatory, or in any way appear to be holding a candle for my former flame. As a result, the story has been mildly redacted, but the heart of it is, I believe, untouched.
When I was living in XXXXXXXX I had a girlfriend named XXXXX. I forget if it had an e at the end. I don’t think so. I like the name XXXXX with an e. And I XXXXXX her. But when I try to think of how her name was spelled, there is a little disappointed ghost sitting in the place where that e would be.
XXXXX and I met just after college waiting tables at XXXXXXXX in XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX. She was small and blonde and very XXXXX and laughed at my Elvis Costello jokes.
In a lot of ways she was good to me. She got me to stop playing that game where you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX and stab a XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX as fast as you can, changing the order of XXXXXXXX so you don’t get too competent at any one pattern. I guess I owe her one for that. Then again, she may have given me XXXXXXXXXX. The tests were inconclusive.
We dated for three and a half years, the last three of which she didn’t really want me to XXXXXXXXXXX. I never got a real reason for that. Once she said XXXXXXXX to me was like XXXXXXXXX. Another time she said my XXXXXX was too XXXXX. I’d like to think one of those answers was a lie.
After three years, she gave me The Ultimatum: either we get married or we break up. I said, “ XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX or do you know some other way to have children?”
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
When I got back from the trip, XXXXX was waiting in her apartment with champagne—a XXXXXing split of champagne, I might add—I guess she didn’t want me getting drunk. She toasted our time together and then broke up with me.
I XXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.”
She disagreed and asked me to move my stuff out that night.
Unfortunately, XXXXX and I worked at the same restaurant. I was a lunch waiter, and she worked the dinner shift as a XXXXXXXX. (I think she was XXXXXXXX with the head XXXXXX, but that is based completely on hearsay, and I hope XXXXXXXX edits that out. But if it is true, and that humorless XXXXXXXXX, XXXXXXXXX did XXXXXXXX another man or men at the same time I was waiting like a monk for her to feel like XXXXXXXX, it explains a lot. It would certainly explain how she got XXXXXXXX when I was on the road half the goddamn year and could count on one hand the number of times we XXXXXXXX. XXXX, I could XXXXXXXXX!)
Anyway, as a waiter, my one big meal of the day was after work, and by the time my employee pasta would be ready,