Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me - Ben Karlin [20]
Now, I know the Bryce advice would not work for me today. Gay guy counsel can be invaluable to a man in a two-year relationship, but not to a married man.
Looking back with Betsy, could I have handled things differently? Certainly. But the important thing is that I didn’t, so the experience was filed away. I learned it is rarely acceptable to forget about a woman’s surgery (even if it is what I would consider, by most reasonable standards, minor surgery). I would not do that again. Now, if I am away, and my wife has to have an operation, I call her before and after. I visit. There are cards and flowers. And my marriage is the better for it.
This is what I am thinking as I watch my adorable daughter, adorably eating Cheerios one by one off the table as we sit down to dinner. I open a bottle of Côtes du Rhône for my wife and myself. The scene is ideal. And it’s real. I pour, we clink glasses, and silently, I toast. To Betsy. To Alison. To all my fake wives. To all my failed marriages. For they have made me the perfect non-ex-husband I am today.
Lesson#9
Women Are Never Too Young to Mess with Your Head
by Larry Wilmore
From the moment you know you’re having a girl, you’re in love. The months leading up to the birth of a daughter are filled with romantic notions of father-daughter bonding. These were the things I was promised. When I fell in love with my future female offspring, the femme fruit of my loins, I was counting on this relationship. The first sure thing with a woman since breastfeeding I’ve ever had in my life. Well, things didn’t quite work out that way. It’s taken nine full years to recover and I’m only now able (through the blessings of counseling and psychotropic drugs) to tell the story. This is my journal of those dark days. The days between the precious little love of my life and me.
July 13, 1998
11:18 p.m.
Eight hours and forty-two minutes. It’s so weird knowing the actual date and time your child is going to be born. Angie’s doing pretty good [Larry’s wife] but my lower back is still killing me. The doctor said there’s nothing wrong and even suggested I could be having “sympathetic” pains. Great. (I meant that sarcastically.) I paid him six hundred dollars for him to tell me he doesn’t know why the fuck my back hurts. Anyhow, I’m excited about tomorrow. I’ve always wanted a little girl and she’s almost here. Wow, I’m starting to get emotional. Just the thought of seeing her makes me feel . . . God, I can’t really put it into words. Somebody told me you fall in love with your kids the second they’re born. I think I’m already there. Shit, my back hurts. I hope that’s not an omen. What if there’s a problem with the delivery or if she comes out with something wrong with her? I can’t think like that. Everything’s cool. She’s going to be healthy, beautiful and healthy. Shit, I wrote healthy twice. I’m going to bed. See you in the morning, Lauren [Larry’s daughter’s name].
July 14, 1998
9:51 p.m.
Wow! What a day! So emotional! Angie’s spending the night at the hospital. She’ll be home tomorrow. She did great. I was really proud of her. And Lauren. Oh my God, what a beautiful little girl. We are so blessed. It was a little scary at first. They took her out and she had this bizarre frozen expression on her face as if she wasn’t quite ready. The doctor spanked her and she didn’t do anything. My heart was in my throat. Seriously, my mind went to all the worst possible outcomes imaginable. I thought, fuck, what if thinking about bad shit happening last night led to some bad shit happening? I don’t even think I was breathing. She spanked her again and again nothing. Her face had no color and I felt all the blood drain out of mine. I looked at her, my eyes welled up, I can’t even explain how far down I felt like I was starting to go; and then she just looked at me and let out the biggest scream you could ever imagine. Wow! Tears all around. I cried like a beotch. I mean, it was almost as if she saw me and just couldn’t hold it in. The doctor said she had never seen