Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me - Ben Karlin [21]
July 18, 1998
1:05 p.m.
Thought I’d sneak an entry during the day, it’s so hard to do anything at night. Everybody’s exhausted. This is going to sound weird but I actually got my feelings hurt this morning. It seems like Lauren cries whenever I hold her. Angie thinks I’m crazy, but it’s true. Every time I pick her up, she screams. What the fuck? I don’t want to sound paranoid or overreact but what the fuck? That’s all. You know what, I’m overreacting.
July 30, 1998
4:22 a.m.
My daughter hates me. I don’t care if she’s only a couple of weeks old. She hates me. And I am not OVERREACTING! Tell me if this is overreacting: I go in her room to try to get her back to sleep, cry cry cry cry cry scream cry scream cry cry cry. Angie goes in, picks her up and whimper whimper sob coo. COO! FUCKING COO! What’s happening to me? This is insane. I try to tell myself, she’s just a baby, it doesn’t mean anything, but it seems like she’s doing it on purpose. I feel like I’ve been dumped. I’m in love with my daughter for nine months, she comes out and dumps me. Beautiful. I need a Vegas trip.
August 3, 1998
12:49 a.m.
Maybe it’s because I’m black. Seriously, I’ve run out of reasons. I’ve changed my deodorant four times. I’m using a different soap, different shampoo, nothing matters. Scream, scream, scream. I hate to play the race card but what else could it be?
August 3, 1998
2:15 a.m.
I forgot, Angie’s black too so it can’t be that. I don’t even like Häagen-Daz and I’m on my second tub. Everybody says she’ll grow out of it pretty soon. Grow out of it? My daughter has to grow out of hating my fucking guts? Am I the crazy one here? I don’t think so. I am seriously out of control. I gotta get it together. Give it a couple of weeks.
August 15, 1998
9:32 p.m.
Yaaay! Lauren’s a month old! The family came over, everybody held her, including her great grandfather, and she smiled and laughed and cooed for everybody . . . EXCEPT ME! Stupid family! They’re all like, “It’s okay,” “Don’t let it bother you,” “She’s just tired,” “She’s going to be daddy’s little girl.” Well, she’s not. She smiled at me once. She had gas and then threw up all over my Tommy Bahama shirt. And by the way, granddad stinks. She’s got no problem with the “old people smell” but a new Tommy Bahama makes her hurl. Jesus Christ, give me a fucking break.
September 10, 1985
8:41 p.m.
I fear my son Ron is a homosexual. I mean, ballet dancer, what the hell is that?
[Editor’s note: an excerpt from The Reagan Diaries was inadvertently placed in this piece. We apologize for any inconvenience and/or confusion.]
October 16, 1998
11:58 p.m.
I was at Baby Gap today, buying some socks for “daddy hater.” I’m so pathetic. I see a guy in there with his baby daughter and they’re all laughing and smiling and having a good time. I was seething with jealousy. Seething. I’ve never seethed in my life. I can see why people seethe, though. It’s an adrenaline rush. Your whole body’s on fire. I’m okay now. I try to tell myself there’s no way this can go on forever. But it’s been three months. Three months. I don’t know if I can last another day. I cry and cuss all the time. I need some fucking Kleenex.
October 31, 1998
10:45 p.m.
Great Halloween. We dressed up Lauren as a little princess, Angie was a beauty queen, I was a soulless void. No costume needed.
November 23, 1998
1:21 a.m.
The whole point of getting a babysitter is to sit with the child because you are unable to be present. Not and I repeat NOT BECAUSE YOUR DEMON CHILD CAN’T STAND YOUR GUTS!!!! This was Angie’s first day back in the choir. My job was to sit in church with my daughter. That’s all I had to do. But no, we had to get a sixteen-year-old stranger to sit there with me so my daughter doesn’t scream and everybody thinks I’m beating her. And to top it off, the little jackal dumps the load of loads in her diaper and who’s got to change her?