Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me - Ben Karlin [32]
JESSICA: [Laughs] Yeah.
RODNEY: And then we graduated. I remember seeing you occasionally after high school. I remember lots of painful interactions with you. Because every time I see you I basically go back [to that age] when I met you. It doesn’t really matter how old I am. Like I saw you when I was twenty-six, and I felt like a twelve-year-old all night, you know?
[Long pause]
JESSICA: That sounds nice [laughs].
RODNEY: It’s a [giggles, pauses] ummm . . . do you remember seeing me since college at all?
JESSICA: Yeah, I remember. I remember you seemed the same, like, you know, I feel like I see you, I don’t think that you are that different than when you were twelve.
RODNEY: [Laughs]
JESSICA: And that is a compliment.
RODNEY: Well, here’s a question. So you were like a really a big part of my life, like growing up for me. But I was clearly not that for you. So who was that for you?
JESSICA: Well . . . a couple of people. But definitely the defining person in growing up was Leo. Absolutely. It was a constant something for us, drawing us back together. But my first one would be [giggles] Jon Nelson.
RODNEY: [Giggles] Oh no. Okay, rank the following people in terms of who you were most into.
JESSICA: Okay, go for it.
RODNEY: Me, Nick Bogaty, Jon Nelson, Jeff Harris. Let’s go with those four.
JESSICA: It would be Jon, you, Jeff, and Frank.
RODNEY: Frank?
JESSICA: Wait. No, no, no wait.
RODNEY: Now I have to worry about Frank? Who’s Frank?
JESSICA: Wait, didn’t you? You said Frank. I didn’t make that up.
RODNEY: I don’t know who Frank is. Who’s Frank?
JESSICA: Didn’t you have a friend Frank?
RODNEY: No [laughs].
JESSICA: Oh my God. I swear you said Frank. Okay, who are the people again? Okay, so it’s Jon, you, Nick, Jeff.
RODNEY: Oh really?
JESSICA: Yeah.
RODNEY: I feel like you are telling me that because you don’t want to hurt my feelings.
JESSICA: [Pauses] I would never do that. I . . . no way. I am totally being honest.
RODNEY: [Pauses] Ummmmm . . .
JESSICA: I am a terrible liar.
RODNEY: You could be lying now.
JESSICA: I really enjoy telling the truth. You know, there are people you daydream about, uhh, about kissing . . . and there are people you don’t daydream about kissing.
RODNEY: Right . . . that makes sense. Ummm . . . so . . . [laughs, stammers]
JESSICA: Don’t ask me the next question.
RODNEY: Okay, so . . . have you ever been dumped?
JESSICA: Noooooo.
RODNEY: Really.
JESSICA: I have never been dumped.
RODNEY: Really.
JESSICA: I am the first one out if I don’t think it’s going to work, and my psychic says that the fear of being hurt prevents that from happening. Soooo [laughs].
RODNEY: Your psychic says that?
JESSICA: I can’t believe I am saying some of this shit. Yeah. That’s what she said yesterday. You know when it’s not going to work and you are better off bowing out. I am not very persistent, but I like men who are.
RODNEY: I haven’t been dumped either.
JESSICA: Reallllly?
RODNEY: Yeah, certainly not since college.
JESSICA: [Stammers]. Really?
RODNEY: Don’t sound so surprised.
JESSICA: But don’t you wonder if all the times [you’ve dumped] other people . . . somehow it’s going to come back one day? Because I am. I am really afraid [laughs].
RODNEY: More I worry about, like, maybe my sense of what is working is screwed up and I am pulling the rip cord on good . . . on some things that could work. If I knew how to make them work . . . you know?
JESSICA: Oh yeah . . . yeah. I know that feeling too. Yup. Maybe you would like the number of my psychic?
RODNEY: Yeah, maybe I would.
JESSICA: She may clear up some issues . . . underlying issues that you are not aware of.
RODNEY: She may just tell me the same thing that she told you.
JESSICA: [Giggles] She can’t tell us the same thing.
RODNEY: Well what about now? Do you have a boyfriend now?
JESSICA: Nope. I just had a breakup about, ummm . . . three weeks ago.
RODNEY: What was that all about?
JESSICA: We dated for about four years on and off. On and off and on and