This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [10]
“Exactly!” Jackie responded. “That’s what I’m talking about. Uhh-mayyzing!”
“Oh, I don’t know,” replied Socrates, clearly flattered and completely disarmed.
“Well I do,” she replied. “You are fantastic. Everyone needs to know how fantastic you are. You have to let me help you. People need to know about Socrates and his question thing.”
By the time the conversation was over, the Publicist had convinced Socrates that he needed to work with her. But when she told him how much Publicity would cost, Socrates began to have second thoughts. But then Jackie explained that she had already sent several messengers out on his behalf and, therefore, technically, she and Socrates were already working together.
Socrates became philosophical. He asked himself, “Is man essentially good, despite hiring someone to promote him?” And then he asked himself, “Do I want to go back to doing odd-jobs for people in the neighborhood?” And with that he decided to give the whole Publicist thing a shot.
Jackie got right to work, promising Socrates that she would make him famous. “We’re going to create the Socrates ‘brand,’ ” she explained. “Socrates is not just a person or a philosophy. It’s an industry, and that’s how we will sell you.”
First, she convinced Socrates to lose his last name.
“Socrates Pappandreopoulos is too clunky for people,” she told him. Your name should be simple and catchy and it should tell people that you are a hot philosopher, who seeks truth and does it with his own cool question method.”
Socrates suggested “Socrates Truth” as a stage name for himself.
“Nah, too on the head,” responded Jackie.
Then Socrates pitched “Socrates?” as a stage name.
“Nah,” she countered. “That makes you sound unsure of yourself. You should just be ‘Socrates.’ It’s direct. It’s strong. And it has a good ring to it.”
And from then on Socrates was billed as “Socrates.”
Jackie’s instincts proved right. Overnight, Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.
Jackie continued to promote Socrates. She got him booked at parties. He worked at weddings. She promoted him at local schools and in the Agora. Socrates suddenly found himself thinking all over Athens, and often in front of large crowds. His career was flourishing more than he could have ever imagined. At the same time, though, he felt a creeping emptiness. As he spent more and more time searching for publicity, he spent less and less time searching for truth. And, with all of his public appearances, Socrates was also becoming overexposed.
He was also spending a lot of money. In addition to paying his agent and now his Publicist, Socrates was paying an Empiricist, a Monist, and a Stylist as well, all of whom were recommended by Jackie.
Socrates was getting uncomfortable. He scheduled a meeting with Jackie. This time they “grabbed” lunch, as both had become even busier and more entrenched in show business.
At lunch Socrates voiced his misgivings.
“Should I be doing all of this?” he asked. “I mean, is the unexamined life even worth—”
“Are you being serious?” interrupted Jackie. “Do you want to be a star philosopher or do you want to go back to waiting tables?”
Jackie was one of the few people who really knew how to handle Socrates, usually by cutting him off and answering his questions with a question of her own. And, as always, she managed to convince Socrates that she was right and avoid being fired. Socrates listened to her, then paid for both of their lunches and went right back to work.
It was shortly after that fateful lunch that the backlash began. Socrates’s constant questions had become intolerable to many of the Greek elite. Still, as his Publicist had promised, he had become a brand. Imitators all over Athens were now practicing the new Socratic Method. More and more young people were asking each other questions and doing it with Socrates’s patented smart-assy