This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [11]
A few days later, Socrates was brought to trial and charged with corrupting the youth.
Socrates wanted to apologize to the Senate. He knew his constant public appearances had angered a lot of people. So he prepared a speech for the trial and called it “The Apology.” But moments before he was scheduled to appear before the Senate, he received a message backstage. It was from Jackie. She wanted to talk with him. A minute later she appeared.
“You can’t do this,” she pleaded.
“Do what?”
“Apologize. That’s what everyone expects you to do. If you do that, then there will be no surprise, no twist, and without that there will be no story. And with no story, there’s no career, Socrates.”
“But what if they find me guilty?”
“That’s exactly what you want! Go out there and surprise them. Throw the charges back in their faces. Let them find you guilty. It will get people talking. And if they offer you ex, don’t take it. Go for death! What you need to do is the most extreme, unexpected thing you can think of.”
“Really?” the confused philosopher asked.
“Yes! This is your chance to make real headlines, Socrates. Trust me. And, don’t worry about the sentence they give you. I’ll take care of it. I know so many people in the Senate, I can easily spin it so that you won’t have to die or whatever else they threaten you with.”
Socrates thought for a long moment. “Are you sure?”
“Yeees! Trust me. It’ll be amaaazing!”
A few minutes later, Socrates found himself standing before the Senate delivering his, now infamous, final speech. Following his Publicist’s advice, the overexposed philosopher defied the Senate and declared to them and to his fellow Athenians that he would opt for death by drinking hemlock. And, sure enough, everyone who heard him was stunned.
Socrates finished his speech and returned to his cell. Awaiting his official sentence, he was eager to see Jackie and bask in the glow of a job well done.
But his Publicist was nowhere to be found.
It seems that, unbeknownst to Jackie, Socrates was out of money. With all of the commissions he was paying to his representation, including his agent, manager, tour manager, stylist, and various support staff, and now with attorney’s fees on top of that, he was broke. Jackie had only now just discovered this fact when her billing department informed her that her philosopher client was way behind in paying commission.
As his execution date approached, Socrates sent messenger after messenger to Jackie. None of his messages were returned. Jackie had officially dropped him as a client.
Finally, confused, frustrated, and exhausted, Socrates prepared himself for the end. Surrounded by prison guards, he took the poison-filled chalice and raised it to his lips. Just then one of the guards looked at Socrates and said, “So, what happened to your Publicist?”
Socrates looked at the guard and replied, “Publicist? Don’t get me started.” The room fell silent for a moment. Then Socrates, with great profundity, whispered, “And where the hell is my Agent?”
And with that, Socrates Pappandreopoulos, philosopher, handyman, and overexposed media icon, drank the hemlock and took his last breath.
EPILOGUE:
After his death, Socrates did indeed become quite famous. Of course, he was dead at that point, so it didn’t really do much for him. On the other hand, it did wonders for his Publicist. Jackie went on to work with Aristotle, Pericles, and an array of other local celebrities before marrying a marble tycoon and settling down in the posh neighborhood just beyond the Acropolis.
Statistics
Hammocks are responsible for oer 90% of the cases in which someone who is overweight is forgotten at a picnic.
The unicycle is the most effective form of birth control in the world.
Nearly ½ of all people in the United States are torsos.
4 out of 5 dentists who chew gum also have a small ponytail and an earring.
America is the leading exporter of the phrase “Oh no he didn’t!”
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.
Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and