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The average person will eat more than 25 pounds of meat if offered enough money to do it.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

The boomerang is Australia’s chief export (and then import).

Football is the leading cause of someone annoying other people at a party who are just trying to have a conversation without listening to some asshole yell at a TV.

Men are 35 times more likely than women to be turned on by looking at a wedgie.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make him scream a lot.

Brooches account for nearly 80% of all conversations between women over the age of 75.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

Per capita, just about everyone has no idea what a “capita” is.

This year, Americans officially became fatter than snowmen.

You are 10 times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

Bee Sting

MAUREEN

I was in the park, having a picnic with some friends. All of a sudden, a bee started to circle around my head. Then the bee attacked me. I calmly attempted to shoo it away, but it would not leave me alone. Then it became even more aggressive. I then tried to move away, but the agitated bee followed me. Hoping to stop its assault, I attempted to gently swat it away with a magazine. I missed, and, sure enough, the bee stung me. I’d never been stung by a bee before. It hurt, but I did my best to grin and bear it. I put some ointment on the bee sting, and after that I felt fine.

BRENDA (MAUREEN’S FRIEND)

I was on my phone when Maureen got stung by the bee. felt bad for her. But I think she overreacted a little bit if you ask me, especially when she started to scream and wildly swing her arms around. It was really pretty embarrassing.

BEE

I was in the middle of another busy workday, flying my usual route. I was on my way back to the hive, minding my own business, when an enormous, fleshy monster began to scream, and then it spastically lunged at me. At first I thought I might have flown into the middle of a medical emergency or some sort of tribal dance that the monster was performing. But then it quickly became clear that the monster was trying to kill me. I turned around and started to fly away. But the monster became even more enraged and began to chase me. I could not escape it. I flew faster, but the wailing beast pursued me and kept swinging its rolled-up paper weapon at me. As much as I didn’t want to, I had no choice but to sting the monster. It was the only thing I could do to stop it from following me home and threatening the well-being of the hive or worse, the safety of my family. I hoped that if I stung the monster I could thwart its assault enough to save my kids. I knew that I would die soon after administering the sting, but I really had no other option. What a tragedy it is to be forced by a senseless, hysterical beast to take one’s own life.

MAGAZINE

I’m not sure what happened. I was being held and slowly read by some woman when all of a sudden she rolled me up and started to choke me and violently whip me around. After having my face smashed into the arm of a lawn chair a couple of times and then into the surface of a picnic table, I was tossed to the ground. It was a terrible and demeaning experience that I’ll never forget.

LAWN CHAIR

I don’t know what his problem was, but the magazine I was hanging out with abruptly got up and smacked me twice for no reason.

BRENDA’S PHONE

Brenda was talking into me when the incident happened. I didn’t get to see or hear anything because Brenda is such a loud and obnoxious phone talker. Whenever she uses me it’s like I’m cut off from the world. If I had enough power in my lithium battery to electrocute her face, I would. Seriously, I would do it. She is that annoying.

LITHIUM BATTERY

I second that.

OINTMENT

I am effective at temporarily relieving pain and itching associated with insect bites, minor burns, sunburn, minor skin