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By Root 546 0

is hilarious with squirrels. When I was a kid he was never strict about making me clean my room, which was nice. And he’s always been entertaining, especially if you give him some meat.

I am able to appreciate these things now, because about two years ago I started seeing a therapist. That’s helped me a lot. Shortly after starting therapy I joined a support group for people who have difficult parents. That’s where I met Melinda. Melinda’s mother was some sort of princess who met Melinda’s dad when he saved her from up in a tower or something. Anyway, Melinda can really relate to a lot of the things I’ve been going through. I mean, her mom lives in a small castle in their backyard.

Melinda and I recently started dating. For the first time in my life I feel like someone truly understands me. Things are going really well. Even my dad likes her. The other day he told me he thought she smelled right for me.

I’m doing a lot better these days. I’m coming to terms with my past, and I’m hopeful about my future. I know I’ll never fully understand my father, but we’re making strides.

I am who I am in a lot of ways because of my dad. I am proud to be Wolf Wolf. And even though sometimes I might feel like I’ve got it rough, I guess, when you think about it, everyone has crazy parents. Some were even raised by a pack of them.

Titles

GENERAL MARKS: Hello.

ALIEN COMMANDER: …

GENERAL MARKS: Well, I don’t know if you can understand me, but I would like to welcome you to our planet.

ALIEN COMMANDER: …

GENERAL MARKS: This is “Earth.” And we are a peaceful species known as “human beings.”

ALIEN COMMANDER: …

GENERAL MARKS: We humbly offer you these gifts as a gesture of—

ALIEN COMMANDER: Greetings. I am Commander Zego.

GENERAL MARKS: You speak English. Amazing. Greetings, Commander. Do you come in peace?

ALIEN COMMANDER: Who are you?

GENERAL MARKS: My name is General Marks. I am a five-star general and one of the highest-ranking military officers in the most powerful nation on Earth, the United States of America. Behind me are the most decorated leaders of every branch of our armed forces, along with a delegation of Nobel Laureates, cosmologists, biochemists, and—

ALIEN COMMANDER: My council and I demand to see the Supreme Leader.

GENERAL MARKS: Of course, Commander. I have already contacted the President, and he—

ALIEN COMMANDER: Miss Universe.

GENERAL MARKS: What?

ALIEN COMMANDER: Miss Universe.

GENERAL MARKS: … Uh—

ALIEN COMMANDER: I demand to speak with Miss Universe.

[Commander Zego hands General Marks an 8" × 10" glossy photo of Miss Universe.]

GENERAL MARKS: Oh. Um… well, Commander, I think you actually want to talk to the President. You see, he is the—

ALIEN COMMANDER: No.

GENERAL MARKS: But I think—

ALIEN COMMANDER: I am the Supreme Commander of an entire planetary system, General. I will not speak to the President. I will speak to Miss Universe, and to Miss Universe alone.

GENERAL MARKS: Commander, with all due respect, I think you may be confused. Miss Universe is not our leader. She is a pageant winner. This picture you’ve given me is a photograph from a pageant she won. She is not our leader. You want to speak with the President of the United States. He is our leader. Now, I’ve contacted him, and—

ALIEN COMMANDER: Silence.

GENERAL MARKS: …

ALIEN COMMANDER: You claim that this “President” is your leader and that he is so important, but tell me, General, how many presidents are there?

GENERAL MARKS: There is only one, Commander.

ALIEN COMMANDER: You are not being truthful with me.

GENERAL MARKS: I assure you, Commander, that this is the truth.

ALIEN COMMANDER: Well that is strange, because our intelligence indicates that there are many, many presidents on your planet.

GENERAL MARKS: Well… yes, but… I meant that there is only one for the United States.

ALIEN COMMANDER: Hm… And is there not a president of the Kiwanis Club?

GENERAL MARKS: Yes, but that’s a different—

ALIEN COMMANDER: And the Asbury Park Chamber of Commerce?