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GENERAL MARKS: Commander, I think you are misunderstanding—

ALIEN COMMANDER: Silence! I understand perfectly well. There are thousands of presidents. We know this to be fact—

GENERAL MARKS: But—

ALIEN COMMANDER: Is this not a fact!

GENERAL MARKS: Technically, yes, but—

ALIEN COMMANDER: Now, let me be perfectly clear. I will not speak with any of these “presidents.” Not today or ever. I don’t care if it is the President of the “United States” or of the “United Airlines.” Is that clear?

GENERAL MARKS: But, Commander—

ALIEN COMMANDER: Now tell me, General, how many Miss Universes are there?

[General Marks looks to an adviser for help. The adviser shrugs.]

GENERAL MARKS: (reluctantly) I guess just the one, but you must understand—

ALIEN COMMANDER: That is correct. You serve yourself and your people best by being honest with me. Heed my warning, General. If you try to divert us from Miss Universe anymore, we will take it as an act of aggression and have no choice but to engage with full force.

GENERAL MARKS: Commander, please—

ALIEN COMMANDER: Silence! I am growing weary of your games.

GENERAL MARKS: …

ALIEN COMMANDER: Now, you will bring us Miss Universe or you will suffer the consequences.

GENERAL MARKS: Uh. (deep breath) Okay. We will bring you Miss Universe. My advisers are locating her now.

ALIEN COMMANDER: Excellent. We will discuss our terms with Miss Universe then. Make haste, General, for the fate of your planet rests upon that meeting.

GENERAL MARKS: Oh boy.

My Band

Hey Everyone,

Just wanted to remind you that my band is playing tonight at The Living Room! Come check out the show. We go on at 10. Also, if you know anybody else who wants to get on our mailing list, please let me know. Thanks! See you tonight.

Josh

Dan,

Hey, buddy. Long time no see. I’m not sure if you got my messages, my newsletter, or the flyers I left under your door. Anyway, as I mentioned in my last couple of voicemails, my band is playing tomorrow night at Good Bar. You should definitely come check us out. The show starts at 8 pm. We go on at 11. I’ll be looking for you, man! I’m going to dedicate a song to you in the middle of our set, so you should really try to be there when I call you out. See you there, buddy!

Thanks in advance for coming,

Josh

Dear Rob’s Friends,

I’m psyched to be in charge of planning Rob’s bachelor party. Here’s the plan: First, we’ll all meet up at O’Malley’s at 9:00 and watch my band do a quick show. After my band plays, we can figure out the rest from there.

Stoked,

Josh

PS—I know the bachelor party is a “guys-only” thing, but you should feel free to brng anyone you know to the first part to see my band play.

Dear Katie,

I know things didn’t end well between us and that we agreed to give each other some space for a while, but I really think we should talk. How about Wednesday night? We can meet at The Cutting Room at 10:00. It’ll be good for both of us to finally sit down and really talk, right after you watch my band. We go on at 10 pm. By the way, it’s a great night to see us (Battle of the Bands!). See you at the show.

Sincerely,

Josh

PS—I’ll bring those CDs of yours that you’ve been trying to get back from me for a while along with that sweatshirt that you thought you lost.

Dear Mrs. McIntyre,

I understand your concern about having Kevin’s intervention in a bar, but, just so you know, it won’t actually be in the bar. It’ll be in the back room, near the stage. I really feel that this is the best way to do it. First of all, confronting Kevin there will be a major surprise, which will only help the intervention. Second, I may have accidentally hinted to Kevin that the next time he comes home you might try to confront him (sorry about that). But, anyway, the Ace Bar is a place where I know Kevin feels safe, and it’s a place he won’t be avoiding for a while (unlike your house). By the way, I think my band may be playing there that night, starting