This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [28]
“Dear Admissions Committee,
I am writing this recommendation for Louis Miller. Louis has been a student in my English class, etc.
Sincerely,
Evelyn Sprague (English Teacher)”
“I just got off the phone with my colleague, Dr. Ryan. I’m afraid the test results are not as good as we had hoped. In your abdomen we found something, etc.”
“How many women have I slept with? Well, sweetie, there was Beth, Danielle, Lindsay, etc.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we need you to get back to your seats and fasten your seatbelts immediately. There appears to be a serious mechanical failure with one of our wings, etc.”
Charts & Graphs
TYPES OF BREATH
MY INVISIBILITY
TODDLER NICKNAMES
ERAS
AMOUNT SUFFERS IN SMOOTHING PROCESS
VENN DIAGRAM
INCIDENCE OF LUNG CANCER
VENN DIAGRAM
PATH TO SUCCESS
REASON I WATCH
COLDNESS
VENN DIAGRAM
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THREE
My Diet
I used to eat meat. I ate fruits and vegetables too, and a lot of other things people handed to me. I guess you could say I was an “Omnivore.” Like a lot of people, I didn’t know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs, and Veal. These books, and my girlfriend who made me read them, really motivated me to become a “Vegetarian.”
I started out as a “Regular Vegetarian” (someone who does not eat meat), and then I became what is called a “Constipated Vegetarian” (someone who eats too many bananas). After that, I became what they call a “Strict Vegetarian.” That’s someone who eats only fruits and vegetables that have been disciplined in some way—like, for example, corn that was grown in a perfect row, or grapes that were stomped by someone in uniform.
After being strict vegetarians for a while, my girlfriend and I became “Militant Vegetarians” (vegetarians who not only eat fruits and vegetables but also fight with them). That lasted until we both got pretty severe rashes from accidentally eating some poison ivy. That led to our eventual breakout / breakup / make-up / cookout / make-out / break-fast, and then final breakup.
After that, I switched to a fish-only diet, becoming a “Pescatarian.” I decided to try it because I wanted a change, and also, I happened to be stranded on an island. I was relieved when they rescued me. I was also pretty embarrassed, because the island turned out to be a peninsula (I have an especially bad sense of direction). Still, by then I was happy to give up fish for a while.
Next I decided to become a “Vegan” (no animals or animal products). After that I became a “Las Vegan” (the same thing as vegan but living in Las Vegas). There I found a whole community of like-minded souls. I often found these people in small grocery stores that smelled kind of weird and were run by people who smelled kind of weirder. We would talk about politics and religion and how to keep bugs out of your hair. Everybody was open-minded, which was nice, and many of them wore shoes that were open-toed. And that was nasty.
After that, I became what some call a “Hyper Vegan” (no animal products or things that even look like animals—including animal crackers, gummy worms, those Easter peeps, asparagus that resembles a snake, a snake that resembles asparagus, etc.). It was hard, but I was really committed to it. I spent my time reading books like Being Hyper Vegan: It’s Hard But Be Really Committed to It and Four Things You Can Eat Besides Dirt! These books, and my new girlfriend who made me read them, really kept me on track.
I was hyper vegan for almost a year. Then one afternoon I sort of freaked out and ended up eating an entire cow. From what I can remember, I didn’t cook or even kill the cow. I just tackled it and ate it. I’m not proud of that, but I feel I should mention it here in the interest of full disclosure.
After the trial, a battery of shots, and several rounds of antibiotics, I decided to