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By Root 516 0

turn over a new leaf. I became “Raw” (someone who only eats raw food). I added sushi to this a few weeks later, becoming “Raw Plus Sushi,” which some say is redundant because sushi is raw. Whatever. Shortly thereafter, I decided to remove the sushi from my diet, which made me raw again. Then I decided to eat only raw foods that had the letters from the word “vegan” in their name (like “agave”). I was, at that point, what they call a “Literal Vegan” (a vegan whose diet is based on wordplay).

In an effort to get healthy, I did a cleanse, a fast, a master cleanse, a mistress cleanse, a master fast, a faster master fast, and then a purge. I stopped shaving my legs, because someone pointed out that it was strange that I was shaving them in the first place. Then I stopped hunting, mostly because it seemed wasteful to just kill the animals and leave them there, considering my diet and everything.

After completely cleansing my system, I was ready to get serious about my diet. That’s when I went from “Raw Vegan” to “Raw Forager” (when you only eat things that are raw that you find in the woods, like a leaf or… another kind of leaf).

Finally, last month I decided to go from “Raw Forager” to “Passive Forager.” Passive forager is when you lie down on the forest floor on your back and then you open your mouth and eat only the things that fall into it. You’re supposed to only eat the things that fall in that are also not alive. However, you can eat a living thing if it is attacking your mouth, which happens from time to time. And that works out pretty well if you need to get some protein or defend your face.

Anyway, today I am feeling pretty good, definitely much better than I look. I guess you could say my diet has been a personal journey of sorts. It hasn’t been easy, but it sure feels great to eat healthy.

Of course, none of this has been good for my breath.

Fortune Cookies

YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10.

YOU ARE PRETTY LUCKY RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE.

YOU WILL DIE IN A HILARIOUS WAY.

DOES ADVERTISING IN FORTUNE COOKIES WORK?

IT JUST DID.

(CALL 555-1326 FOR MORE INFORMATION)

YOUR MIND IS LIKE A SPONGE, IN THE SENSE THAT IT WOUD COME IN HANDY WHEN CLEANING OFF A COUNTERTOP OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

IT IS EASY TO WANT WHAT ANOTHER MAN HAS; WHAT IS HARDER IS TO SNEAK INTO HIS HOUSE AND TAKE IT WITHOUT HIM SEEING YOU.

WE DIDN’T KNOW HOW ELSE TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT NONE OF US WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU ANYMORE.

NO MAN CAN STEP INTO THE SAME RIVER TWICE, ESPECIALLY IF THAT MAN IS AN AMPUTEE.

SURPRISE. YOU JUST ATE DOG.

TO THE IDIOT THE WORLD PRESENTS MANY MORE MYSTERIES.

I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. AND I WILL SEE YOU TONIGHT, JUST AFTER YOU FALL ASLEEP.

IF YOU WERE TINY, THIS COULD BE A BANNER.

HELP! I AM BEING HELD AT THE CHEN WAREHOUSE. PLEASE CONTACT THE AUTHORITIES IMMEDIATELY.

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE AND YOUR ENEMIES CLOSER.

AND KEEP YOUR ACQUAINTANCES SOMEWHERE BETWEEN YOUR FRIENDS AND YOUR ENEMIES IN TERMS OF CLOSENESS. WITH STRANGERS, APPROACH IT ON A CASE-BY-CASE BASIS—BUT IF YOU WANT A GENERAL RULE OF THUMB, I WOULD SAY KEEP STRANGERS SLIGHTLY LESS CLOSE THAN YOUR ENEMIES OR YOUR FRIENDS. (P.S. I GUESS NOW YOU CAN SEE WHY THIS FORTUNE WAS IN SUCH A BIG COOKIE.)

HEY. IT’S JANIS. I’M PREGNANT.

A Christmas Carol (the Deleted Scene)

Ebenezer Scrooge had been asleep for no more than a few minutes when a wrapping sound began to echo in the recesses of his chambers. Scrooge did not hear the ruckus at first. But again it came, now louder. Then closer. And louder still.

A moment later a Spirit, glowing an unearthly white, floated eerily at the foot of Scrooge’s bed.

“Ebenezer Scrooge,” bellowed the ghost.

Scrooge opened his eyes and knew at once that this was not a dream. He sat up slowly and found before him a Spirit who looked no taller than a boy, but reached almost to the ceiling as it floated.

“Are you the Spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me?” asked Scrooge.

“I am,” replied the ghost.

“By what name shall I call you?”

“I am the