This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [33]
While an a cappella group is walking down the street and singing to themselves at a volume that is loud enough for everyone around them to hear, a passing fire truck inexplicably malfunctions. The fire truck’s hoses spontaneously turn on and blast the members of the group, knocking the singers off their feet and into some nearby bushes, which happen to be poison ivy. As the water hits the poison ivy, it creates a poison-ivy mist, which the singers inhale, giving them poison ivy on their vocal cords. The firemen turn off the hoses and drive away. They are secretly pleased.
An a cappella group is practicing in the hallway of a college dormitory. Their “cute” renditions of several old Motown hits cause a nearby swarm of bees to become insanely agitated. The aggravated bees enter the hallway and engulf the a cappella group, stinging each of the singers repeatedly. This commotion disturbs a hornets’ nest located just outside a nearby window. The hornets fly in moments later and attack the already badly bloated bodies of the a cappella group’s members. Hours later, after smoke is pumped into the hallway to clear out the bees and hornets, nurses from the campus infirmary enter the corridor and treat the badly stung singers. The nurses are secretly pleased.
Several a cappella groups are onstage together at the annual “Spring Sing” concert. In the middle of performing their best ironic medley of 80’s songs, the stage suddenly collapses under the weight of the singers. The a cappella groups immediately fall down and roll off into a large pile. A moment later, the elaborate lighting rig that is hanging from the rafters above them spontaneously unfastens and crashes down onto the pile of singers. The heat from the lights sparks the frayed wires and ignites the pile, causing all of the groups to burst into flames. The crowd is secretly pleased.
An a cappella group is in the middle of singing an unrequested encore in front of a captive Parents’ Weekend audience. A moment later a small meteor, about the exact size of an a cappella group, crashes through the roof of the auditorium and flies directly into the a cappella group just as they begin to perform their “instrumental” version of “Mr. Sandman.” Several members of the group are instantly pulverized by the meteor as others explode into little bits, which shoot off into the far corners of the room. The audience is stunned… and also secretly pleased.
An a cappella group performs and somehow manages not to irritate anyone. Everyone is secretly confused.
My Checks
What I imagine my dolphin-themed personal checks do for me.
Two landlords are reviewing my rental application:
—So who should we rent the apartment to?
—I’m not sure. This woman has excellent credit, a stable job, great references, and she is willing to pay an extra month’s rent up front.
—She sounds great.
—She’s also an interior designer and has some excellent ideas on how to improve the space.
—Wow.
—But, on the other hand, there’s this guy. He doesn’t have a steady job. He’s got lousy credit, and his application looks pretty messy. I think there’s a food stain on it.
—Hm.
—But… take a look at his personal checks. They have dolphins on them. Look at these dolphins! They are so friendly and likable.
—Let me see that check… Wow, this is great! I love his dolphin-themed personal checks. They just have so much personality!
—They really do. I think his checks say a lot about him.
—I think so, too. I’d say, based on his checks, he is clearly the more likable candidate.
—Yep. Especially when you compare his checks to hers.
—Let me see her checks… Yikes.