This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [34]
—Well, I definitely don’t want someone cold like that in our place. I want a tenant who’s got some heart, like the dolphin guy. It’s really no contest.
—I agree. Dolphin guy wins.
—Hey, do you think we should maybe also give him a break on the rent?
—(Looks at dolphin check again. Smiles and nods.) Definitely.
A guy I paid with a check is talking to his friend:
—You know, I was going to cash this guy’s check, but I don’t want to.
—Why?
—Because I really like looking at the check.
—Let me see that. (Looks at check.)… Dolphins. Wow! That is really cool.
—Yeah.
—That check is indeed very nice to look at. The dolphins are very appealing. The whole scene is warm and friendly.
—I know. I was thinking that I might not cash it.
—I can see why. I don’t blame you. I mean, looking at the check is almost worth more than cashing it, if you ask me.
—Yeah. You’re right. I’m going to put it up on my corkboard and never cash it. I think any guy who likes dolphins so much that he’s willing to express it in his business transactions can just keep the money as far as I’m concerned.
—I was going to say the same thing. Good decision.
—Thanks. I feel good about it.
I am talking to a woman just after getting into a minor car accident with her:
—Again, I am so sorry for the damage to your car. Can I write you a check to cover it?
—Um… I think I should call my insurance company.
—Are you sure? I’ve got my checkbook right here. (I take out my checkbook and open to a blank dolphin-themed check.) Tell you what, why don’t I write you a check, and if the damages end up costing more than—
—Wait. (She looks at the check.)… Are those dolphins on your checks?
—Uh, yes. Yes they are.
—Awww. That is so cute. You know, I love dolphins. (She smiles.) I was once stranded in the middle of the ocean and a pack of dolphins that looked just like those saved my life.
—Wow. Really?
—Yeah. You seem like a sweet guy.
—Well, thank you. I like these checks because they remind me that it’s important to live life with grace and enthusiasm… kind of like a dolphin, I guess.
—(She looks at me and smiles.) Hey… how about we forget about the whole car situation and you just take me to lunch instead?
—Really?
—Yes, really. I would love to have lunch with you.
—Okay, I think that would be nice. But wait, weren’t you on your way to work?
—Oh I was, but it’s no big deal. I’m a model. They can just reschedule the photo shoot.
—Well then great. Let’s get some lunch.
—Also, I know this is a little forward, but do you mind if I kiss you?
—Not at all.
A Crossword Puzzle
ACROSS
1. Two batteries.
5. Popular organization for car owners.
8. Said when trying to get someone’s attention.
12. American Association of Advertising Agencies, abbr.
13. Key chains owned by April, Alexis, Andrea, and Amelia.
15. Prefix used to procure a good spot in the Yellow Pages.
16. Found on an American Airlines’ airplane tail wing (both sides).
17. An opera singer’s vanity plate?
18. Two sets of souvenir sweatbands from Anaheim.
19. Expression of pain.
22. Minor league baseball league classification.
23. France’s credit rating.
24. Mirror image of 16 Across.
26. A very good report card.
29. A group of female gymnasts’ bra cup sizes.
31. Sold with 69 Across.
32. Something Fonzie might say.
34. A very boring chord progression.
36. Four children’s refrigerator magnets.
38. Sweatshirts of five fans at an Auburn football game.
40. A lame graffiti tag?
41. Someone with a bad stutter trying to say “Aardvark.”
43. Board of Health ratings of last five restaurants I ate in.
45. American Accounting Association, abbr.
46. A bunch of a certain guitar string.
48. Sound heard when an obsessive child plays with a Speak & Spell.
50. First letter of Greek, Roman, Spanish, and English alphabets.