This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [41]
George nodded. “So, nothing else, then?”
Sheila shrugged, then offered, “The most interesting things that have happened to me, happened after I died.” She floated closer to George.
George looked at her. “And what about your husband?”
Sheila’s face turned white, even more white than usual.
“What are you talking about?” she said.
“I’m talking about Mark.”
“Mark? Uh… That was a long time ago,” replied Sheila, trying to play it off. “I didn’t think it was important.”
“You didn’t think it was important!?… I’d say being married is pretty important, Sheila! That’s the kind of thing you might want to mention to someone before you start sleeping with them!”
“Mark is something from my past.”
“Oh really?” replied George. “And is that why you’re still in touch with him?”
“What? We talk occasionally, but just through a psychic. We’re just friends. What’s the big deal?”
“What’s the big deal?! Are you kidding right now?!”
Sheila floated to the couch. “I don’t know what Mark told you, but we’re just friends. Nothing more. He’s dated other people, you know. He just contacts me when he needs something.”
“How can we have a relationship if you can’t be honest with me?”
“Honest with you?!” Sheila started to lose her temper. “I became a ghost for you! Do you know what I’ve been through to make this work?”
“Oh, here we go again with the ghost stuff!” snapped George.
“I’m the one who went and got a visa,” shouted Sheila. “I’m the one who left all of her friends in the Afterlife to come and be with you. Do you know what it’s like to suddenly blurt out ‘Boo’ when you’re trying to say something? Do you ever wonder what it feels like to be drawn to cemeteries? No, you don’t, because you’re Mr. ‘Still Alive.’ Well I’m the one here who has to keep visiting a murder case that she doesn’t even care about.” Her ve was trembling. “I did all of this for you!”
“I never asked you to!”
“Oh, but you never stopped me. Did you? You sure didn’t seem to have any problem with it when I was floating in your bed. Did you?”
George didn’t say anything.
“People told me to watch out. They said, ‘George has trouble with commitment.’ And I said, ‘No. He’s not like that. Not the George I know.’ But they were right. This isn’t about Mark. It’s about you.”
“Of course it’s about Mark. You haven’t been honest with me. God, I just can’t look at you the same way.”
“Oh come off it, George. I’m dead. Yes, Mark and I were married, okay? Yes. But have you ever heard of ‘till death do us part’? Well, I died. And we parted.”
She continued. “By the way, I’m not the only one here who failed to mention a relationship. When were you going to tell me about Lori?”
“How do you know about her?”
“I found out on Halloween. Your friend Andrew told me.”
“Well that’s over. It ended before I even met you.”
“Did it? Because when I visited Lori she still seemed into you.”
“You visited Lori? How could you do that?”
“I was curious. It’s a free world. If it’s so ‘over,’ then what’s the big deal?”
“This is crazy. I can’t believe you haunted Lori. I think you should go. And I think it would be best if… if we just… if we were just friends.”
“Friends? Really? That’s it. What about all that talk about being your ‘Soul mate’? Was that all bullshit so you could have a fling with a ghost? Was it all just so you could have a good story? Huh? ‘Hey everybody, I slept with a ghost!’ ”
“That’s not fair, Sheila.”
“You had your fun, but then it started to get too real for you. God forbid you have to actually commit to someone, George. You know what, this isn’t worth it. I’ve jumped through so many hoops to make this work, changing myself for you. I had a pretty good afterlife before you came along. Goodbye, George.”
Sheila turned and stormed off, creating such a supernatural ruckus that she even scared herself in the process.
Sheila returned to the Afterlife, heartbroken and exhausted. But part of her was also relieved. Being a ghost had been difficult. And with a little distance from it all she realized that George was not her soul mate, after all. He was just a cute