This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [42]
Mark tried to get in touch with Sheila a couple more times. She ignored his calls.
It took some time, but George got over Sheila. He even started dating again and found new appreciation for the pleasures of making love to living women.
Ironically, years later George and Mark would end up becoming good friends. They ran into each other at a screenwriting symposium and decided to grab lunch. They discovered that they had a lot in common. They had both worked in advertising and were both hoping to break into writing. They started to kick around ideas and then began writing together not long after that. George and Mark developed an idea for a sitcom based on their experiences with Sheila. They pitched and sold it to a major television network. The series aired. It became a hit show and ran for seven seasons.
George got married and had two children. He lived to be a wealthy old man and died peacefully one night in his sleep.
As George returned to the idyllic shores of the Afterlife, waiting for him on the other side was Sheila, along with her attorney.
Products
I like to read. I read everything: books, magazines, newspapers, pamphlets, signs, T-shirts, and just about anything else with words printed on it. Here is some prose that I found on the packaging of some everyday products.
“We founded Wholesome Foods in 1973 because we believed that wholesome foods come from wholesome land. And that belief has guided our company ever since. That’s why every piece of Wholesome Foods produce is rubbed on a virgin before it goes into the truck. So you can be sure every bite is fresh, wholesome, and totally free of sex.”
“At Hillsdale Farms we use no hormones in our turkeys. In fact, we pride ourselves on doing no harm whatsoever to our turkeys. We raise them naturally and then simply encourage our juicy, organically fed turkeys to take their own lives after they go through our patented ‘depressive introspection’ existential crisis.”
“Yitz crackers taste great with cheese or party dip. Try them with peanut butter for a fun snack or with jam for a sweet treat. Or, try making a little hat out of them, you moron.”
“This robe is provided for your comfort while staying at the Royal Clifton. If you wish to purchase one, please contact Guest Services, and then brace yourself, because we’re pretty sure it costs more than your house.”
“WARNING: This snorkel quickly becomes a giant straw if you’re not careful.”
“While we’re not exactly sure what goes into our gluten-free gingersnaps, the man who brings us the snaps in his old wooden cart seems very friendly and relatively clean. And he always covers his mouth when he coughs. Either way, every bag of gingersnaps we sell meets our “golden standard of sell-ability.”
“Just as a gushing brook endlessly winds its way through a forest, our Mint Meleetea will bring the same unstoppable force to your urethra. Enjoy Mint Melee tea at home, near your bathroom. We mean it.”
“Munchables are fun for the whole family. Made from 100% all-natural laboratory chemicals, these munchy, crunchy snacks are guaranteed to fill even the hungriest tummy. Make sure to drink plenty of water with Munchables to really get the party going (and to avoid stomach implosion).”
“Vitalique shampoo is infused with pro-vitamins and natural moisturizers as well as age-defying color enhancers that clean hair at its roots with a patented 3-step, dirt-defying vibrancy enhancer, leaving your hair looking and smelling fresh, young, revitalized, and rejuvenated, making it bounce and shine with reinvigorated, reinfused infusions of revitalization and pro-color vitamins and other things you need to hear in order to buy this hair soap.”
“This product may contain traces of Nick.”
“For over 50 years, we’ve used the same secret recipe. That’s what makes our desserts taste so delicious. And that’s all you need to know about it. And we suggest you don’t