This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [43]
“OfficeZone’s Clinger Adhesive Strips hold firmly and reliably. Perfect for home, school, or office. But not perfect for skin. Be careful. These strips will stick to your skin forever. That is not an exaggeration. If one of them even taps your skin, it will fuse instantly. Don’t pull on it. That will make it burrow even farther into your flesh. Just leave it where it is and learn to live with it.”
“Worthington Water Crackers are created just the same way Clarence Worthington first made them over 200 years ago. Our tradition of excellence dates back to the 1800s. This time-honored recipe is very old, okay? But who really cares? I mean, let’s be honest. They’re crackers. Either buy them or don’t. But don’t expect us to sit here and tell you some long story about the history of some freaking crackers. They’re just crackers. Piss off.”
A Picture (1,000 Words)
Four by six inches. Glossy. A lake. Me. Summer. I am on water skis behind a boat. I am holding on to a line as the boat pulls me. I am moving fast. I am wearing a red bathing suit and an orange life preserver. I am smiling. I am feeling happy and confident. I’m looking cool. And I am going really fast. Nice breeze. The wind is blowing through my hair. White water is spraying out behind me and off to the sides. I look awesome. This could be a postcard: the sunshine, the pine trees, the mountains, and me ripping it up on water skis in the middle of it all. I’m on a camping trip with a bunch of my friends. Some of them are in the boat. Others are watching from the dock. I can even feel the strangers on the beach watching me. Who’s the man?! Right now that would be me. This is my moment.
I am happy this photo is being taken, because it is an official record of this moment. It’s not like I’d forget a moment as cool as this, but it’s nice to have an official document of it. Man, I cannot wait to see this photo. I am glad I chose to wear my sunglasses. They make me look even cooler. And to think I was reluctant to try waterskiing. Huh. Life sure is ironic sometimes. I didn’t want to do it because I was afraid of falling, but then Janis, who just had a baby, tried it. After that, I would have been the only one who didn’t do it, so I decided to go for it. I mean, I didn’t want to be that guy. I’m happy my friends talked me into doing this. I’ll have to thank Ed later. Definitely. This is going very well, especially as I’m trying to impress Julie, which I’d say is working right now. I bet I hook up with her tonight.
The great thing about meeting someone on a camping trip is that she doesn’t have any preconceived notions about you. You get to present the best version of yourself, which is the one she wants to hook up with. And that version is the guy who was funny when we were pitching our tents and then was kind of aloof and mysterious when we were looking for firewood and is now cool and confident on water skis. I wisely didn’t complain about my allergies or mention my fear of snakes at all. All of this is flashing through my head as I smile for the camera.
The look on my face says that I’m not worried about anything. Waterskiing is easier than I thought it would be. Why didn’t I try this earlier? I’m posing for the camera. I’m waving with one hand. This is one of the coolest moments of my life, no question about that. I’m looking right into the lens of the camera, which is why I don’t see the oncoming wake, where I probably should be looking.
This turns out to be the last moment just before I hit that wake.
Now that I look at myself I remember exactly what happened. A moment later my body spins completely out of control. I am struggling, desperately trying to maintain my balance. The boat swerves. Is Ed turning the boat? He is. Are you kidding me? Then everything starts to go into slow motion. I am wiping out. There is no saving it now. I am falling badly. The wipeout feels almost like