This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [47]
And, damn, he sure was good with words. Rod was so quick. It always amazed me how he could come up with shit off the top of his head, like nicknames. He’d meet someone and within like 20 seconds he’d have a whole nickname for them. “Okay, blue shirt,” he’d say or “Slow down, big ears.” I remember the night he banged that girl on the stairs at Temptations. He had just met her and he was already calling her “DollfaceAnd you know what? She looked exactly like a doll when it came to her face. He was perceptive like that.
On top of being smart, Rod also had great style. He always looked like a player, especially when he rolled. All I need to say is “wifebeater and fedora” and anyone who knew Rod knows exactly what I’m talking about.
Even though he was cool, Rod never forgot where he came from. Probably because he never actually left where he came from. Sure, Rod used to talk about moving out of his parents’ house someday, but he also talked about just chillin’ there to see if he could eventually inherit it or something. Rod was a patient guy.
When I was asked to give Rod’s eulogy, so many memories started to go through my head: working out at the gym with Rod, drinking, tanning, playing video games, the time we double-teamed that drunk chick in the hotel Jacuzzi. Rod was a true friend. If you needed advice or a condom, he would give it to you, no questions asked. And he always had great sunglasses. Of course, he would never let you touch them, but you couldn’t blame him. They were really expensive and they looked awesome on him.
“Bros before hos.” That’s what Rod used to say. He was loyal to his friends. But, at the same time, if he really wanted to nail a girl, he would find a way to make it happen, even if it meant taking her from one of his friends. That might sound weird or like a paradox or something. I guess it was. That was part of what made Rod interesting. He was unpredictable and mysterious. Ladies loved it. I can tell you that for a fact. Rod was a legend when it came to getting ladies to meet “Rod’s rod” as he called it.
Rod was such a funny guy. He was always quick with a joke or a punch to your nuts if you weren’t looking or if you dozed off or something. And if there happened to be someone around who had a weakness or some kind of an insecurity, Rod knew just how to focus right in on it and turn it into a good joke, especially if there was a bunch of us there to egg him on. And if that person got upset about it, Rod would just keep going at it until they learned to lighten up. That’s the kind of guy Rod was. He’d make you laugh but he’d also make you think. You’d think, “I hope he doesn’t do that to me.” And you always knew that if you turned it around on him he’d kick your ass. He was a true leader.
People always noticed Rod. Whether it was his cologne or the bass booming from his Hummer. Rod was the kind of guy you just could not ignore. He used to crank that thing up so loud that people in other cars would look over and shake their heads like “Man, I wish I had a system like that.”
A lot of people don’t know this, but Rod really knew how to have fun with a sunroof, probably better than anyone I ever knew. He would stand up in the open sunroof of a limo and scream out of it for blocks and blocks. He didn’t care. He made people on Spring break look like pussies. Rod was on permanent Spring break. For real. I mean, sometimes he would drink so much that he would just start punching anybody who came near him.
Rod also had a creative side. One look at his hair told you that. And if you tried to touch it, good luck with your broken fingers.
Rod would light up a room whenever he walked into it, literally, with a flashlight, when he was working as a bouncer. He used to shine light onto girls’ butts or right at their tits. He made everyone feel like a star. Rod was the kind of guy you wanted to be like, because he was no nonsense. I remember one time when he wouldn’t let