This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [48]
Rod had a lot of honor. If someone bumped into his shoulder in a club or gave him attitude, he would not put up with that shit. You didn’t mess with his honor, because if you did you got a beat-down. Plain and simple. There aren’t a lot of people who stick to their principles like that nowadays. A lot of them pussy out or want to try to talk their way out of a situation. Not Rod. He was always man enough to let his fists do the talking. And they talked to anyone who needed to listen, including chicks who thought they could get away with their bullshit.
Nobody got off easy if they were messing with Rod’s honor, not even family. I remember when Rod’s brother accused him of taking money from their grandparents’ savings, Rod pounded him so bad he had to go to the hospital. “There’s a difference between ‘taking’ and ‘borrowing’ ” he said. Rod fully intended to pay back some of that money eventually. I know that for a fact, because he mentioned it so many times over the years.
I think what I’ll miss most about Rod is how awesome it was to go clubbing with him.
I’m sad Rod is gone, but I feel happy knowing that he died doing something he loved: an underage girl.
Flags
Flags have been an important part of our world for centuries. Unfortunately many of them are outdated. I have included here a few suggestions for updating some of these old flags. I have also provided some ideas for new flags.
FLAG FOR THE SOUTH
This flag features a man wearing a nice suit, holding a Bible and a waffle. He looks proud and is standing inside a trailer park.
THE OLYMPIC FLAG
A white flag that has the words “Nice try, Finland” printed across the middle of it.
THE CITY OF BOSTON
This flag features a picture of a drunk guy who wants to fight you. The more the wind flaps the flag, the more drunk the guy looks, and the more he wants to fight you. Also, he has a crew cut and looks sort of Irish.
FLAG REPRESENTING BLIND PEOPLE
Anything goes with this one. The important thing is that the design is not that offensive.
THE ARMY
A man in a uniform, who is shaking your hand, but it’s no longer attached to your body.
HARVARD UNIVERSITY
A picture of a person who went to Harvard. Under the picture there is an inscription of a Latin phrase: Vestri alma materia ut exsisto memoratus quam primum in sermo. The translation: “Your alma mater: to be mentioned as soon as possible in conversation.”
NEW JERSEY
A picture of the rest of the country feeling embarrassed.
MCDONALD’S
A cow wearing sunglasses. He is holding a hamburger and smoking a cigarette while giving a thumb’s-up. In the background there is some sort of propeller or chopping machine coming towards him.
FLAG FOR RESPONDING TO AN ENEMY WHO IS TRYING TO SURRENDER
This flag could be useful during battle when one side waves a white flag to surrender, but the other side wants to keep fighting. This flag is white but it also has a middle finger made out of blood in the center of it. When you wave this flag you’re responding to the surrender by saying, “Tough shit.”
MEXICO
A drawing of Mexico with arrows pointing out of it.
THE ANDERSON FAMILY (FROM MY OLD NEIGHBORHOOD)
The whole family is on the flag. The dad is kind of drunk, as usual. The mom has that WASPy angry-mixed-with-uppity look on her face. The daughter looks cute and seems like she’d be a good girlfriend but turns out to be a cheater. She’s acting like she loves you, but she just clearly made out with one of your friends. Off to the side we see their dog, who so easily blends in with the pavement that he could very easily be innocently run over by anyone.
Painted Faces
People