This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [51]
Working late every night after work, they tried various things. One step forward, two steps back, and then one to the right.
Finally, they had a breakthrough. Using a collection of old watches, a network of satellite servers, and some uranium, they managed to make a small machine. What they needed in order to make the machine work was a tear in the time-space continuum. Luckily, Goreburg had discovered one just above the liquor store on the edge of town. If his calculations were correct, then the machine could pass through the tear and enable them to travel backwards through time.
They put the finishing touches on the machine and decided to launch it after work that Friday. They rented a moving truck, loaded the time machine inside it, and drove to the liquor store, where they parked next to the wormhole. Just after the night clerk closed the liquor store and drove away, they wheeled out the time machine. Over dinner they had agreed to make the first trip something that would create good press and age well for posterity. So, they strapped themselves in and set out for July 4, 1776, to see the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
There was a whir and a boom. The machine filled with smoke and everything got blurry. There were some flashes of light and then a kaleidoscope of colors. A moment later, everything stopped and the machine was silent. Both men were dazed, but perfectly fine. The smoke started to clear and Spatz unbuckled his seatbelt. He got up and lo out the window. “I think it worked!” he shouted.
Goreburg was stunned. He had never been so happy in his life. He unhinged his seatbelt and ran to the window. Outside, people in Colonial attire walked around. Some cautiously approached the machine. This was real. They had done it.
Arthur turned the doorknob and pushed the door. Nothing happened. He pushed harder. The door would not open. “It’s jammed,” he said. Ronald looked at him. “What do you mean?”
“I mean the door won’t open.”
“Let me check the external camera,” Spatz said as he walked over to a small console. He typed into a keyboard and looked at the screen.
“Uh-oh,” he said quietly.
“What?” responded Goreburg, still trying to open the door.
Spatz called him over. “Take a look at this,” he said.
Goreburg looked at the screen. He could not believe his eyes. They had landed perfectly between two trees. The machine was wedged between the trees, and the door was jammed right against one of them. There was no way out of it. As they sat there, just a few hundred yards away, the founding fathers were signing the Declaration of Independence.
“Shit,” said Goreburg. “Can’t you do something about this?”
“Me?” replied Spatz. “I thought you were supposed to be the genius, Arthur.”
“Shut up, Ronald,” Goreburg snapped.
By now, a small group of Philadelphians were gathered around the time machine. Ronald and Arthur had landed just behind a pub, which attracted quite a crowd. Now several drunk and rowdy colonists were starting to rock the machine back and forth.
“Let’s get the hell out of here,” said Ronald.
Arthur agreed. They strapped themselves in and headed for their second choice, AD 33, the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. The machine started to spark and whir, and a moment later they were off again. When the smoke cleared they found themselves in Jersualem in the year AD 33. Again, amazingly, the machine had worked. They congratulated each other. A moment later Ronald popped out of his seat and ran to the door. He pushed it. It didn’t budge. He pushed harder. Again, no luck.
This time when they looked at the external camera they found themselves jammed against the wall of a cave.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” complained Goreburg. “What the hell is going on?”
“It’s a time machine, Arthur. Shit happens,” snarled Spatz.
“Yeah, well, that’s the problem, isn’t it? We’ve got a time machine, but what we need is a time