This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [52]
“Maybe you’ve forgotten that time and space are linked in a lit something called ‘spacetime,’ Ronald. I thought someone with your intelligence would know that.”
“Shut up, Arthur.”
“You shut up!” Then both men realized that if they didn’t stop arguing and head back to the present quickly, their energy source would run out. They stopped talking, put on their seatbelts, and headed home. The next day, the two men returned to work and exchanged awkward apologies. Goreburg promised to work on providing a longer-lasting energy source, and Spatz offered to solve the space problem. As frustrated as both of them were, they were also elated. Each realized just how monumental their invention was. And both secretly wished he could cut the other guy out of it. But both men also knew that they needed each other, at least for the time being. So they kept quiet and worked to improve the machine.
A week later, Spatz had solved the space problem. And the next day Goreburg delivered a new energy source and they were ready to go.
Spatz suggested that they head to ancient Egypt to witness the completion of the Pyramids.
They went back to the liquor store and headed to Egypt. When they landed right on the tip of the Great Pyramid, Spatz looked at Goreburg.
“You happy?” he said. “I fixed the space problem; we’ve landed exactly on the tip of the Pyramid. You’re welcome.”
Goreburg, enraged by Spatz’s stunt, got out of his seat to punch him.
“No!” cried Spatz. “You’ll throw off our balance.”
The machine tipped and started to roll down the side of the Great Pyramid.
Spatz scrambled, reached for the controls, and quickly typed in anything he could. The machine activated, and a moment later they were gone.
They landed in a random field somewhere in an isolated part of Eastern Europe in the year 1356. Goreburg opened the door and looked out of the machine. There was nothing there aside from some shrubs and a few small animals.
Goreburg looked at Spatz and, in his most sarcastic tone, said, “Nice one, Ronald.”
“Shut up, Arthur,” Spatz replied as he marched through the door of the time machine. The trip was too much for his tiny bladder. He was desperate to relieve himself, and was just happy that he could finally pee. He walked outside and headed for some taller shrubs off in the distance.
As he peed, Ronald surveyed the landscape before him. While there were no people or any signs of culture there, it was still thrilling to be standing in a field in 1356, peeing on a medieval shrub. He started to think about what they’d accomplished. Then, suddenly a loud noise interrupted Spatz’s reverie. He turned to see the time machine power up and recede into a cloud of smoke.
Inside the machine, Goreburg sat in his seat and smiled to himself as he headed off with the machine to claim the massive fame and fortune that awaited him in the future. Arthur looked through the window and smirked at the sight of a panic-stricken Spatz sprinting towards the machine with his pants falling around his legs.
Then, in an instant, Goreburg and the machine were gone.
Spatz screamed and collapsed.
Goreburg settled into his seat, overcome with joy and relief. He’d never have to see Spatz again. He was eager to get home and make plans to market the time machine. “I’m going to be a very rich man,” he said to himself.
Then the machine made a weird clicking sound and began to spin around. The noise faded and the machine started to shut down. It coasted for a moment and then crashed into the ground.
The machine had been damaged when it tumbled down the side of the Great Pyramid. In his haste to abandon Ronald, Arthur failed to notice the damage. Now, after using it in its damaged condition, the machine was completely destroyed. Goreburg looked at the date on the console. He had only traveled about one week into the future and only about two hundred yards from where he left Spatz.
A week later Spatz showed up, and when he found Arthur standing near the broken machine, he beat the hell out of him.
Spatz would have killed