This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [53]
They seized Arthur and Ronald and brought them back to their village.
A week later Goreburg and Spatz were tried for witchcraft and burned at the stake. No one ever knew what happened to the young scientists. Even though they vanished, their copy machine did not. It was successfully tested and then sold to Hollywood, where it is still widely used today.
Confessions of a White Guy with Dreadlocks
Even though I play it down, I secretly love the attention that my dreadlocks get me.
I often go to events where I know I can shake my head around a lot and showcase my dreadlocks. This includes concerts, drum circles, and tennis matches.
If I go somewhere and there is another white guy with dreadlocks there, I get competitive. I prefer to be the only white guy with dreadlocks in the group, because the dreadlocks are kind of my thing.
I honestly can’t tell you when the last time I washed my hair was. In fact, I don’t even remember what season it was.
I think white guys with cornrows look ridiculous.
I didn’t actually come up with my personal tag line: “Don’t dread the locks.” I heard some other guy with dreadlocks say it at Burning Man.
I own more hacky sacks than books.
I always try to keep a safe distance from cats and squirrels, because if I get too close they’ll crawl onto my head and try to burrow into my dreadlocks.
My parents pay my rent.
One time, when I was lying down in a park I accidentally got a whiff of my dreadlocks, and I almost passed out from the smell.
I secretly hate the sound of bongos. The main reason I play them is because they go really well with my look (and they’re a great excuse for me to shake my dreads around).
I do not actually know how to play the bongos.
Fireworks make me very uneasy, because if one of them flies into my hair, my dreads will light up like flash paper.
If someone tries to out-mellow me, I’ll put my dreadlocks into overdrive, making it clear who the mellow one is here.
I am not as smart as I look.
Spanish Teacher
The following is a translation of a conversation that took place entirely in Spanish.
SPANISH TEACHER: Thomas?
FORMER STUDENT: (stopping) Señora Alvarez? Hi.
SPANISH TEACHER: Thomas, hello, it’s great to see you! How have you been?
FORMER STUDENT: Good.
SPANISH TEACHER: It’s been a long time since high school. What have you been up to?
FORMER STUDENT: Yes. It has many years of… that… when high school. Good. How you?
SPANISH TEACHER: I see you still remember some of your Spanish. Very good… Well, as for me, I’m doing well. I had another little girl. Wait, now that I think about it, I wasn’t even married yet when you took my class. Well, anyway I’m happily married, and I have two little girls now. Of course, I’m still teaching Spanish.
FORMER STUDENT: Good. Yes. Good. I work. I live. I am… I am a… do work. And there is money. When with…? Yes. Good.
SPANISH TEACHER: Okay. So you have no idea what I’m saying, do you? I’m guessing that no matter what I say you’ll just say “Good” back to me. Is that right?
FORMER STUDENT: Good.
SPANISH TEACHER: Yep. Well that’s great. Another forr student who retained nothing. Thomas, if you’re a complete moron, say “Good.”
FORMER STUDENT: Good.
SPANISH TEACHER: Shocker. Students like you make me want to cut my own tongue out.
FORMER STUDENT: Yes. Good. I… table, go much… tapas good.
SPANISH TEACHER: Wow. You’re even dumber than I remember, and yet it’s amazing that you insist on sticking with the Spanish here. And now I’ll make it sound like I’m asking you a question?
FORMER STUDENT: Yes. Yes. Good. Um…
SPANISH TEACHER: I remember when you were in high school how you had a crush on me. It was fun to tease you in those subtle little ways. I bet you still fantasize about me. I have to say, if I weren’t married I’d take you back to my place right now and have some fun with you.
FORMER STUDENT: