This Is a Book - Demetri Martin [54]
SPANISH TEACHER: “Avocado.” Do you mean “lawyer”? Are you trying to say “lawyer”?
FORMER STUDENT: No. Me not avocado.
SPANISH TEACHER: You mean you’re not a “lawyer”? Is that what you mean? The word is “l-a-w-y-e-r.”
FORMER STUDENT: A-v-o-c-a-d-o.
SPANISH TEACHER: Whatever… So you’re not a lawyer. Why are you telling me this?
FORMER STUDENT: Uh, how say… “paralegal”?
SPANISH TEACHER: Oh, you could use the word “underachiever” or “disappointment.”
FORMER STUDENT: Yes. “Disappointment,” yes. Me that.
SPANISH TEACHER: Good. Very good.
FORMER STUDENT: Yes. Me not avocado. The much with good. Yes. much… um… papers?
SPANISH TEACHER: You know what, if I were single I would get weird with you. If I could just find a way to stop you from talking… maybe put a cloth in your mouth or something. I wowho this girl is who seems to be with you? Is this your girlfriend? I doubt it. I’d think you could do better than her.
FORMER STUDENT: Oh, yes! It me forget… um… This is girlfriend, Inez. She from Spain.
SPANISH TEACHER: …
INEZ: Hello. Pleased to make your acquaintance.
SPANISH TEACHER: …
Zing!
Information Booth
GUY WORKING IN BOOTH: Can I help you?
ME: Yes. I’m trying to find someone who is a disappointment to his parents.
Zing!
Airplane
WOMAN SITTING NEXT TO ME ON AIRPLANE: So, what do you do?
ME: Oh, I get paid to make boring small talk with strangers on airplanes.
Zing!
—And then sat in hostile silence for next 5 hours of flight.
City Street
WOMAN: Do you know what time it is?
ME: Yeah. Let me see. (looking at watch) It looks like just past dumb question from annoying woman.
Zing!
My Friend’s Apartment
MY FRIEND: I don’t ever get to travel.
ME: Yeah, except for around the sun, every day, all the time.
Zing!
Coffee Shop
ME: (paying at register, looking at jar that says “Tips” and then knocking it over) Yeah, I guess it does.
Zing!
Club
GUY WHO HANGS OUT A LOT IN CLUBS: How does my hair look?
ME: It looks embarrassed.
Zing!
—Then got punched in the face.
Concert Hall
FULL ORCHESTRA: (finishes playing long symphony)
ME: (before anyone can make a sound) Nice try.
Zing!
—Then was lunged at by furious conductor.
Mirror
MY REFLECTION: What are you looking at?
ME: I don’t know, a two-dimensional jackass?
Zing!
—And zinged at the same time.
Hospital
SURGEON: We’re going to put you under now. Any questions before your surgery begins?
ME: Just one. Is that your breath or did a small animal die really close to your mouth?
Zing!
—Then immediately regretted it based on look on surgeon’s face.1
Results of Your Personality Test
Summary Report
Your Personal Carer Profile Assessment outlines your skills, abilities, interests, strengths, weaknesses, personality characteristics, and suggested career matches for your type.
You will find your Profile and Results below.
Your Test Results
Your personality is suspicious, noncompliant, introverted, sneaky, untrustworthy, vengeful, greedy, unreasonable, and dangerous. You are naturally uncooperative and do not work well with others, at all. You are not a leader. Nor are you a follower. You are a disruptor. In addition, you are snarky, mean, pessimistic, and extremely unpleasant to be around. You are also very focused, but mostly on yourself. You are best suited for work that does not involve other people, that is, if you had any capacity for work whatsoever, which you don’t. You are cranky, immature, insensitive, and extremely unforgiving. Considering these characteristics, aim for careers that relate to your top interests and compliment you as a person.
Listed below are strengths that are typical of people who score like you. Consider occupations that will enable you to capitalize on these strengths.
Personality Strengths
• Judgmental
• Opportunistic
• Stubborn
• Slothful, self-indulgent, and self-pitying