Trainspotting - Irvine Welsh [28]
3 — Process: Mr Murphy (2.30 p.m.)
This speed is el magnifico, likesay. Ah feel sortay dynamic, ken, likesay, ah’m really lookin forward tae this interview. Rents sais: Sell yirsell Spud, n tell the truth. Let’s go for it cats, let’s get it on . . .
— I see from your application form that you attended George Heriots. The old Heriots FPs seem to be rather thick on the ground this afternoon.
Yeah, fat-cat.
— Actually man, ah’ve goat tae come clean here. Ah went tae Augie’s, St. Augustine’s likesay, then Craigy, eh Craigroyston, ken. Ah jist pit doon Heriots because ah thoat it wid likes, help us git the joab. Too much discrimination in this town, man, ken, likesay? As soon as suit n tie dudes see Heriots or Daniel Stewarts or Edinburgh Academy, they kinday get the hots, ken. Ah mean, would you have said, likesay, ah see you attended Craigroyston?
— Well, I was just making conversation, as I did happen to attend Heriots. The idea was to make you feel at ease. But I can certainly put your mind at rest with regards to discrimination. That’s all covered in our new equal opportunities statement.
— It’s cool man. Ah’m relaxed. It’s jist that ah really want this job, likesay. Couldnae sleep last night though. Worried ah’d sortay blow it likesay, ken? It’s jist when cats see ‘Craigroyston’ oan the form, they likesay think, well everybody thit went tae Craigie’s a waster, right? But eh, ye ken Scott Nisbet, the fitba player likesay? He’s in the Huns . . . eh Rangers first team, haudin his ain against aw they expensive international signins ay Souness’s, ken? That cat wis the year below us at Craigie, man.
— Well, I can assure you Mr Murphy, we’re far more interested in the qualifications you gained rather than the school you, or any other candidate, went to. It says here that you got five O Grades . . .
— Whoah. Likesay, gaunnae huv tae stoap ye thair, catboy. The O Grades wis bullshit, ken? Thought ah’d use that tae git ma fit in the door. Showin initiative, likesay. Ken? Ah really want this job, man.
— Look Mr Murphy, you were referred to us by the Department of Employment’s Jobcentre. There’s no need for you to lie to get your foot in the door, as you put it.
— Hey . . . whatever you say man. You’re the man, the governor, the dude in the chair, so tae speak, likesay.
— Yes, well, we’re not making much progress here. Why don’t you just tell us why you want this job so desperately that you’re prepared to lie.
— Ah need the hireys man.
— Pardon? The what?
— The poppy, likesay, eh . . . the bread, the dosh n that. Ken?
— I see. But what specifically attracts you to the leisure industry?
— Well, everybody likes tae huv a good time, a bit ay enjiymint, ken? That’s leisure tae me man, likesay. Ah like tae see punters enjoy themselves, ken?
— Right. Thank you, the doll wi the makeup mask sais. Ah could sortay like, love that babe . . . — What would you see as being your main strengths? she asks us.
— Er . . . sense ay humour, likesay. Ye need that man, goatay huv it, jist goatay huv it, ken? Ah’ll huv tae stoap sayin ‘ken’ sae much. These dudes might think ah’m a sortay pleb.
— What about weaknesses? the squeaky-voiced kitten in the suit asks. This is one spotted catboy; Rents wisnae jokin aboot the plukes. We have a real leopard cub here.
— Ah suppose man, ah’m too much ay a perfectionist, ken? It’s likesay, if things go a bit dodgy, ah jist cannae be bothered, y’know? Ah git good vibes aboot this interview the day though man, ken?
— Thank you very much Mr Murphy. We’ll let you know.
— Naw man, the pleasure wis mine. Best interview ah’ve been at, ken? ah bounds across n shakes each cat by the paw.
4 — Review
Spud met Renton back in the pub.
— How did it go Spud?
— Good catboy, good. Possibly too good, likesay. Ah think the dudes might be gaun tae offer us the job. Bad vibes. One thing though, man, ye wir right aboot this speed. Ah never seem tae like, sell masel properly in interviews. Cool times compadre, cool times.
— Let’s huv a drink tae celebrate yir success. Fancy another dab at that