Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories [26]
"Wall, now, guess I'd oughter know Steve Jenkins when I see him; I jist about purty near raised Steve." Wall, we went over to the cage, and it wan't no man at all, nuthin' only a durned old baboon; and Ezra wanted to shake hands with him jist 'cause he looked like Steve. Ezra sed he'd bet a peck of pippins that baboon belonged to Steve's family a long ways back.
Wall then we went into whar they wuz havin' the cirkus doin's, and I guess us two old codgers jist about busted our buttins a-laffin at that silly old clown. Wall, he cut up a lot of didos, then he went out and sot down right alongside of Aunt Nancy Smith; and Nancy she'd like to had histeericks. She sed, "You go 'way from me you painted critter," and that clown he jist up and yelled to beat thunder--sed Nancy stuck a pin in him. Wall, everybody laffed, and Nancy she jist sot and giggled right out. Wall, they brought a trick mule into the ring, and the ring master sed he'd give any one five dollars what could ride the mule; and Ruben Hoskins alowed he could ride anything with four legs what had hair on. So he got into the ring, and that mule he took after Ruben and chased him 'round that ring so fast Ruben could see himself goin' 'round t'other side of the ring. He wuz mighty glad to git out of thar. Then a gal cum out on hoss back and commenced ridin' around. Nancy Smith sed she wuz a brazen critter to cum out thar without clothes enough on her to dust a fiddle. But Deacon Witherspoon sed that wuz the art of 'questrinism; we all alowed it, whatever he meant. And then that silly old clown he told the ring master that his uncle committed sooiside different than any man what ever committed sooiside; and the ring master sed, "Wall, sir, how did your uncle commit sooiside?" and that silly old clown sed, "Why, he put his nose in his ear and blowed his head off." Then he sang an old-fashioned song I hadn't heered in a long time; went something like this:
From Widdletown to Waddletown is fifteen miles, From Waddletown to Widdletown is fifteen miles, From Widdletown to Waddletown, from Waddletown to Widdletown, Take it all together and its fifteen miles.
He wuz about the silliest cuss I ever seen. Wall, I noticed a feller a rummagin' 'round among the benches as though he might a-lost somethin'. So I sed to him, "Mister, did you lose anythin' 'round here any place?" He sed, "Yes, sir, I lost a ten dollar bill; if you find it I'll give you two dollars." Wall, I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them cirkus sharpers, and when he wan't a-lookin' I pulled a ten dollar bill out of my pockit and give it to him; and the durned fool didn't know but what it wuz the same one that he lost. Gosh, I jist fooled him out of his two dollars slicker 'n a whistle. I tell you cirkus day is a great time in Punkin Centre.
Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him
I DIDN'T s'pose when I wuz gittin' ready to go home, that all you folks would be down here to the depo' to see me off. Wall, now, that's purty good of ye, I'll be durned it it ain't. Yes, I guess I'll have to be goin' home now; I've stayed here this time 'bout as long as I kin afford to. I must say, some of you folks have made it purty warm fer me since I've bin here in New York; but I guess I've enjoyed it 'bout as much as you have.
I'd like to have you all cum down to Punkin Centre and see MEE some time this summer, if you hadn't got nuthin' else to do. Lots of fun down thar on that farm of mine, huntin', fishin', and shootin', and other things. Wall, I never shot but one bird in my life, and that wuz a squirrel; yes, sir, a flyin' squirrel.
I had a feller workin' fer me on the farm
last summer, and he was cross-eyed, and I sent him out in the paster to dig a well fer me, and what do you s'pose? Wall he dug it so tarnal all-fired crooked that he fell out of it and sprained his ankel. Then one day I sent him out in the garden to plant some pertaters and some unyuns fer me, and it jist seemed like that feller didn't have good hoss sense. He planted them unyuns and pertaters right
Wall then we went into whar they wuz havin' the cirkus doin's, and I guess us two old codgers jist about busted our buttins a-laffin at that silly old clown. Wall, he cut up a lot of didos, then he went out and sot down right alongside of Aunt Nancy Smith; and Nancy she'd like to had histeericks. She sed, "You go 'way from me you painted critter," and that clown he jist up and yelled to beat thunder--sed Nancy stuck a pin in him. Wall, everybody laffed, and Nancy she jist sot and giggled right out. Wall, they brought a trick mule into the ring, and the ring master sed he'd give any one five dollars what could ride the mule; and Ruben Hoskins alowed he could ride anything with four legs what had hair on. So he got into the ring, and that mule he took after Ruben and chased him 'round that ring so fast Ruben could see himself goin' 'round t'other side of the ring. He wuz mighty glad to git out of thar. Then a gal cum out on hoss back and commenced ridin' around. Nancy Smith sed she wuz a brazen critter to cum out thar without clothes enough on her to dust a fiddle. But Deacon Witherspoon sed that wuz the art of 'questrinism; we all alowed it, whatever he meant. And then that silly old clown he told the ring master that his uncle committed sooiside different than any man what ever committed sooiside; and the ring master sed, "Wall, sir, how did your uncle commit sooiside?" and that silly old clown sed, "Why, he put his nose in his ear and blowed his head off." Then he sang an old-fashioned song I hadn't heered in a long time; went something like this:
From Widdletown to Waddletown is fifteen miles, From Waddletown to Widdletown is fifteen miles, From Widdletown to Waddletown, from Waddletown to Widdletown, Take it all together and its fifteen miles.
He wuz about the silliest cuss I ever seen. Wall, I noticed a feller a rummagin' 'round among the benches as though he might a-lost somethin'. So I sed to him, "Mister, did you lose anythin' 'round here any place?" He sed, "Yes, sir, I lost a ten dollar bill; if you find it I'll give you two dollars." Wall, I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them cirkus sharpers, and when he wan't a-lookin' I pulled a ten dollar bill out of my pockit and give it to him; and the durned fool didn't know but what it wuz the same one that he lost. Gosh, I jist fooled him out of his two dollars slicker 'n a whistle. I tell you cirkus day is a great time in Punkin Centre.
Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him
I DIDN'T s'pose when I wuz gittin' ready to go home, that all you folks would be down here to the depo' to see me off. Wall, now, that's purty good of ye, I'll be durned it it ain't. Yes, I guess I'll have to be goin' home now; I've stayed here this time 'bout as long as I kin afford to. I must say, some of you folks have made it purty warm fer me since I've bin here in New York; but I guess I've enjoyed it 'bout as much as you have.
I'd like to have you all cum down to Punkin Centre and see MEE some time this summer, if you hadn't got nuthin' else to do. Lots of fun down thar on that farm of mine, huntin', fishin', and shootin', and other things. Wall, I never shot but one bird in my life, and that wuz a squirrel; yes, sir, a flyin' squirrel.
I had a feller workin' fer me on the farm
last summer, and he was cross-eyed, and I sent him out in the paster to dig a well fer me, and what do you s'pose? Wall he dug it so tarnal all-fired crooked that he fell out of it and sprained his ankel. Then one day I sent him out in the garden to plant some pertaters and some unyuns fer me, and it jist seemed like that feller didn't have good hoss sense. He planted them unyuns and pertaters right