Under The Net - Iris Murdoch [112]
be afraid of me. I never could see why you cleared off like that before. I wanted to talk to you very much then. There was never anyone I could discuss with like you. We might have discussed that stuff of yours.' 'What stuff?' I asked. 'That book of yours,' said Hugo. 'I forget when it came out, but it must have been some time after you cleared off from Battersea, or else we would have talked about it, and I don't remember talking of it with you.' I leaned my head back and pressed it hard against the wall, as one might do to ease a crisis of drunkenness. Do you mean The Silencer?' I asked. Yes, that thing,' said Hugo. 'Of course, I found it terribly hard in parts. Wherever did you get all those ideas from?' From you, Hugo,' I said weakly. 'Well,' said Hugo, of course I could see that it was about some of the things we'd talked of. But it sounded so different.' 'I know!' I said. So much better, I mean,' said Hugo. 'I forget really what we talked about then, but it was a terrible muddle, wasn't it? Your thing was so clear. I learnt an awful lot from it.' I stared at Hugo. His bandaged head was silhouetted in the light from the little window; I could not see his expression. 'I was ashamed about that thing, Hugo,' I said. 'I suppose one always is, about what one writes,' said Hugo. 'I've never had the nerve to write anything. I hope you made some money out of it anyway. Did it sell well?' 'Not very,' I said. I wondered for a moment if he were mocking me; but it was impossible. Hugo was incapable of mockery. 'Too highbrow, I suppose,' said Hugo. 'People never like original stuff when they first see it. I hope you weren't put off. Are you writing another dialogue?' 'No!' I said, and added, just to keep the conversation going while I collected my wits, 'I thought of looking the thing over lately and developing one or two of the ideas, but I couldn't get hold of a copy.' 'A pity! You could have borrowed mine,' said Hugo. 'I keep one in the drawer of my desk and look at it sometimes. It reminds me a bit of our talks. I used to enjoy them so much. My brain's quite gone to seed since then.' 'I came to your flat one night last week,' I said, 'and you'd left a note saying Gone to the pub, and I went round the pubs looking for you.' You can't have gone far,' said Hugo. 'I was in the King Lud.' 'I went eastward,' I said. 'I met Lefty Todd that night.' 'Of course, you know Lefty, don't you,' said Hugo. 'I saw him today at the meeting, before someone chucked the brick at me.' 'How is your head, by the way?' I asked. 'Oh, it's all right,' said Hugo. 'I've just got a raging headache--which but for you would be raging in my sleep. But, Jake, you haven't told me why you cleared off. Did I do something to offend you?' 'No,' I said patiently, 'I did something to offend you. 'But I see now there was a misunderstanding. Let's skip it.' I could see Hugo looking at me intently. The bulky bandage gave him an enormous head. 'The trouble with you, Jake,' said Hugo, 'is that you're far too impressed by people. You were far too impressed by me.' I was surprised. 'I was impressed,' I said, 'but I didn't know you knew.' 'Everyone must go his own way, Jake,' said Hugo. 'Things don't matter as much as you think.' I felt exasperated with Hugo. 'I don't know what you mean,' I said. 'You thought something mattered enough when you took so much trouble with that theatre in Hammersmith.' I wanted to draw him on the subject of Anna. 'Oh, that..' said Hugo, and was silent for a moment. 'I did that to please Anna, but it was a foolish thing.' I held my breath. I had to step carefully now if I was to get out of him the full confession for which I thirsted; and as I inhaled slowly I could smell Hugo's thoughts. 'You mean, it didn't really please her,' I asked coaxingly. 'Well, it pleased her, of course, yes,' said Hugo, 'but what was the use? Lies don't get one anywhere. Not that this was exactly a lie. After all, we both understood the situation. Yet it was a sort of a lie.' I felt a little out of my depth here. 'You mean that she wasn't really interested in it, that