Under The Net - Iris Murdoch [116]
of them. Then she became more sensible and I saw a bit more of her.' I winced. 'I liked to see her,' said Hugo, 'because I could talk to her about Sadie.' 'Poor Anna!' I said. 'I know,' said Hugo. 'I've been a brute to both of them. But now I'm clearing out. I advise you to clear out too,' he added. 'I don't know what you mean,' I said, 'but I'm damned if I will!' 'Some situations can't be unravelled,' said Hugo, 'they just have to be dropped. The trouble with you, Jake, is that you want to understand everything sympathetically. It can't be done. One must just blunder on. Truth lies in blundering on.' 'Oh, to hell with truth!' I told him. I felt very confused and very ill. 'It's odd,' I said. I was picking about among the things I had just learnt. 'I was so sure the theatre was all your idea. It seemed so like you. "Actions don't lie, words always do." But now I see that this was all a hallucination.' 'I don't know what you mean by "like me",' said Hugo. 'The theatre was all Anna's idea. I just joined in. She had some sort of general theory about. it, but I never understood properly what it was.' 'That was just what was yours,' I said. 'It was you reflected in Anna, just as that dialogue was you reflected in me.' 'I don't recognize the reflections,' said Hugo. 'The point is that people must just do what they can do, and good luck to them.' 'What can you do?' I asked him. Hugo was silent for a long time. 'Make little intricate things with my hands,' he said. 'Is that all?' I asked. 'Yes,' said Hugo. We were silent again. 'What will you do about it?' I said. 'I'm going to become a watch-maker,' said Hugo. 'A what?' I said. 'A watch-maker. Of course, it'll take me many years. But I've already arranged to be apprenticed to a good man in Nottingham.' 'In where?' 'In Nottingham. Why not?' 'I don't know why not,' I said. 'But why this at all? Why a watch-maker?' 'I've told you,' said Hugo. 'I'm good at that sort of thing. Remember how clever I was with the set pieces? Only there was so much nonsense about set pieces.' 'Isn't there nonsense about watches too?' I asked him. 'No,' said Hugo, 'it's an old trade. Like baking bread.' I stared into Hugo's darkened face. It was masked, as ever, by a sort of innocence. 'You're mad,' I said. 'Why do you say that, Jake?' said Hugo. 'Every man must have a trade. Yours is writing. Mine will be making and mending watches, I hope, if I'm good enough.' 'And what about the truth?' I said wildly. 'What about the search for God?' 'What more do you want?' said Hugo. 'God is a task. God is detail. It all lies close to your hand.' He reached out and took hold of a tumbler which was standing on the table beside his bed. The light from the door glinted on the tumbler and seemed to find an answering flash in Hugo's eyes, as I tried in the darkness to see what they were saying. 'All right,' I said, 'all right, all right, all right.' 'You're always expecting something, Jake,' said Hugo. 'Maybe,' I said. I was beginning to find the conversation a burden. I decided to go away. I got up. 'How's your head now?' I asked Hugo. 'It's rather better,' he said. 'You made me forget about it. How long do you think they'll keep me in this place?' 'About five days, the Sister said.' Good God!' said Hugo. 'I can't have that! I've got all sorts of things to do.' 'Perhaps they'll let you out sooner,' I said. I wasn't interested. I wanted to sit somewhere quietly and digest what Hugo had told me. 'I'm off,' I said. 'Not without me!' said Hugo, and he began to get out of bed. I was scandalized. I seized him and began pushing him back. The hospital ethic was already deep in me. A patient must do what he is told and not presume to behave like a free agent. 'Get back at once!' I said in a loud whisper. For a moment we struggled. Then Hugo relaxed and drew his feet back into bed. 'Have a heart, Jake,' he said. 'If you don't help me to get away now I may not be let out for days. You know what these places are. They take your clothes away and you're simply helpless. Where are my clothes, anyway?' 'In a locker at the end of this