Undisputed_ How to Become the World Champion in 1,372 Easy Steps - Chris Jericho [39]
My entire Stephanie routine was based around the idea that she was a total slut who slept with every man, woman, and hermaphrodite that she came across—who then presumably returned the favor by coming across her.
When it was Stephanie’s twenty-fifth birthday I asked her, “How old are you, Steph? Thirty-five, thirty-six? Or is that just how many guys you’ve been with since last week?”
HHH stood up for his wife, saying, “You can’t yell at Stephanie like that, she’s a delicate little flower!”
“Stephanie lost her flower a long time ago.”
When Stephanie and her lackey Rhyno were in the ring, I explicated what I was going to do at the next PPV. “At SummerSlam, I’m going to take care of that smelly, greasy, nasty animal—and I’m gonna get you too, Rhyno!”
Or:
“Standing in the ring you’ve got the Man-Beast and the Hose-Beast! I’m dealing with the Gore and the Whore.”
Well, you get the idea.
It got over huge as the fans delighted in my abuse of the billion-dollar princess, all the while chanting along with my “filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, bottom-feeding, trash-bag ho” catchphrase. It was a strange sight, seeing five-year-old kids shouting out “ trash-bag ho” at the top of their lungs, but then again I never claimed to be a role model for America’s children.
Whenever I went over any of these barbs broadcasting his daughter’s supposed promiscuousness with Vince, he would listen with a pensive look on his face and say, “Just make sure after you deliver the insult you take a pause so people can react.”
That Vince … ever the businessman.
And ever the fan of apes.
Apes, you say? Well, allow me to elucidate.
Brian called me one evening to go over the standard insult promo on Stephanie that I’d be delivering on Raw that Monday. It was business as usual and I didn’t think about it again, until he called the next day and said, “We have an issue. We have to figure out a way to add apes into this promo.”
What was he talking about? “Vince loves apes. We’re doing a tie-in with the Planet of the Apes
remake and he wants them on the show. He said, ‘If anyone can make it work it’s Jericho. He’ll figure out what to do with them.’ ”
Vince’s statement was a compliment and a curse. I had developed a rep as a guy who could make anything work, whether it was wearing a referee jersey with he hate me written on the back to promote the XFL or guiding a half-insane Bob Backlund (sans talking dictionary) through a live promo. Now Brian and I had to figure out a way to guide a couple of apes through a segment promoting both their new movie and SummerSlam. It was a verbal Rubik’s Cube.
Not to be deterred, Brian and I put our heads together and came up with a pretty damn good idea.
The show started and Stephanie came to the ring talking about SummerSlam, until she was promptly interrupted by your noble novelist.
“Stephanie, to you SummerSlam is a quickie on a hot August night. You’ve slept with everybody in this company from the boys in the back, to the cameraman, to the ring crew, to the merchandise sellers, to the lighting guy, to the popcorn vendor in the fifteenth row—congratulations, Lou, you finally did it!”
I spewed the insults out like a Jay-Z rhyme and the fans were going crizzle for my shizzle.
I continued by picking up on a rant she had been on about how her brother Shane always won while she always lost.
“Don’t worry, Stephanie, Shane may come out on top, but you always end up on the bottom … and on your knees … on the coffee table … on the kitchen counter.”
The crowd licked it up like Vinnie Vincent as I concluded: “Stephanie, since you’ve slept with everybody on this entire planet, maybe it’s time for you to broaden your horizons and sleep with something from another planet—the Planet of the Apes, for example.”
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the worst segue ever.
The apes came ambling down the ramp, with their simian arms and legs swinging to and fro absurdly. They came bearing gifts that included a cake in a box, although