Unequal Childhoods - Annette Lareau [123]
VALUING THE FAMILY: THE IMPORTANCE OF KINSHIP
It would be hard to overstate the importance of family to the Drivers. The Driver children’s lives are also deeply interwoven with those of their extended family. They each have cousins their own age and sex. Wendy’s two best friends are her cousins Rosie and Rebecca, who live a few doors away. She sees her maternal grandparents, who also live within walking distance, every day and enjoys these visits. She is obviously fond of her relatives. On Easter Sunday morning, for instance, she telephones her grandmother and sings “You Are My Sunshine” to her. Her grandfather often picks Wendy up after school. As Ms. Driver explains, both grandparents and great-grandparents provide after-school care for the children:
My son goes to my mother’s house with his grandfather and his great-grandmother, and Wendy goes to her great-grandmother who lives two doors up from my parents’ house and she stays there until I get home from work . . . She sees them every day.
Wendy’s mother notes, “Me and mom call each other at least every other day, if not more. Just to see how I’m feeling or what she’s been up to.” When Ms. Driver’s mother turned fifty, she surprised her by hiring a stripper; when she turned sixty, Ms. Driver threw her a party that included a professional singer. In addition to the frequent contact she has with her parents, Ms. Driver sees her siblings (all male) regularly. She also talks to and spends time with a cousin whom she describes as “like a sister.”
Along with Ms. Driver’s extended family, Wendy and Willie’s paternal relatives are mentioned frequently and visited regularly. Their father’s brothers (“the uncles”), sister, and parents attend Wendy’s and Willie’s birthday parties and are invited to all other major family events. Finally, Mr. Fallon’s family is a newly emerging part of the Drivers’ daily lives. Mr. Fallon has no contact with his father, but he talks to his mother daily. She visits often and is willing to baby-sit her new grandchildren as needed. Mr. Fallon is also in regular contact with his sisters. One, Sara, lives around the corner; she and her children come by the house frequently. His other sister lives in South Carolina; Mr. Fallon sends her coupons from the newspaper each week.
Daily conversation in the Driver home is peppered with references to relatives, upcoming kin events, past events involving relatives, and episodes in the lives of various members of the extended family.5 Wendy’s First Holy Communion party (which took place when she was in second grade) comes up repeatedly. Family members are also likely to bring up the topic of an upcoming family event: Wendy is eagerly anticipating her role as a junior bridesmaid in her paternal aunt’s wedding party. She is very excited by the prospect of wearing a very short, straight, hot-pink, off-the-shoulder silk dress and having her hair and nails done for the event. Another common topic of conversation is Valerie’s baptism, which will occur during the summer. Ms. Driver and Mr. Fallon plan to invite about a hundred relatives to celebrate the christening at a catered gathering to be held in a nearby hall.
Unlike in the Tallinger family, where no one seemed concerned that Garrett planned to skip his cousin’s graduation party, family events are of the utmost importance to the Drivers. This has its downside. With so many relatives planning so many parties and gatherings, scheduling conflicts are inevitable. So, too, are “hurt feelings,” as Mr. Fallon explains during a discussion over breakfast one morning before school:
“There’s a wedding and a First Communion that day. My cousin has a wedding, and then my brother’s kid is making the First Communion . . . and we’re going to the Communion—there’ll be some feelings hurt.” Debbie adds, “Yeah, but it’s between a brother and a cousin, so. . . . ”