Unequal Childhoods - Annette Lareau [36]
Sometimes, however, his unhappiness escalates to a level that causes him to “fall apart,” as his mother puts it. He whines loudly and interrupts often, if he doesn’t like what is happening and, on occasion, will kick, scream, and cry. For example, the night Garrett performs at his school’s spring music concert, Sam lasts about one half hour and then begins to unravel. He tests his mother’s patience by refusing to sit still; then, he brings his outstretched feet just inches shy of the back of a woman seated in the row ahead:
His mother grabs his upper arm (looking angry) and says, “Watch your feet—you almost hit her! Sit still!” He sits for a few seconds and then moves his feet again. Again she grabs his arm and whispers, “Sit!”
A pattern of “falling apart” seems to occur a few times each month. Mr. Tallinger takes a direct approach, telling Sam to “cut it out.” Ms. Tallinger usually responds to Sam’s outbursts with warmth and tolerance, and she encourages his brothers to be empathetic (with only limited success).
Sam, at four years old, has few activities other than going to day care. Spencer, on the other hand, has a schedule that includes piano, Cub Scouts, soccer, and baseball. Still, he too spends more time than he would like as a spectator. Spencer doesn’t “fall apart” like Sam, but he does communicate his frustration. His father is aware, for example, that “he does get angry that we always have to go to Garrett’s games.” In fact, watching Garrett perform is an integral part of Spencer’s life. At the school’s Donuts for Dad event, Spencer leads his father over to show him a picture that he had drawn. Spencer explains that the picture, which shows children on a field and figures to the side, watching, represents him and his family. The picture is titled, “Watching Soccer.” Mr. Tallinger, affectionately running his hand over the top of his son’s head, remarks, “We do that a lot.”
The flip side of watching, of course, is performing. Here, too, Spencer must adjust to standards set by Garrett. Although he plays baseball and soccer, Spencer seems less interested—and talented—in sports than his older brother. From his parents’ perspective, this is a problem. On several occasions, Mr. and Ms. Tallinger (separately) mention their concern over Spencer’s relative lack of interest in sports.
DON: We struggle with Spencer ’cause he doesn’t like sports. We decided he’s average. Louise and I decided. But when they ask, ‘What can we do?’ I say go out and play catch. I usually don’t think of going and collecting spiders or doing something that Spencer would like. He’s interested in science. I usually don’t think about that.
FIELD-WORKER: That’s hard.
DON: Sports just come naturally to us.
FIELD-WORKER: Does Spencer try to compete with Garrett?
DON: He knows he couldn’t compete with him. Garrett is so much better.
Spencer seems aware of and somewhat anxious about his parents’ concern over his relative lack of engagement with sports, as the following field note suggests:
Don says to Spencer (as if he just thought of it) in a questioning (but enthusiastic) manner, “Spencer, do you want to be on the swim team?” Spencer, looking slightly anxious and biting his lip, replies, “No.” Slight pause and then his dad says, “Okay,” in an accepting