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about the rewards she reaps from this decision, she reports, reluctantly, that her choice has required her to “make sacrifices” in her career. In addition, Mr. and Ms. Williams disagree, at times, about how much the family social space should be dominated by Alexander’s preferences. For example, one July afternoon, the family sets out on a round of errands. They need to get Alexander’s hair cut, put gas in the car, go to the grocery store for weekly shopping, and pick up Chinese food for dinner. Alexander has a tape (entitled “Trout Fishing in America”) with songs he enjoys. In one, “Boiled Okra and Spinach,” the singer reports he’d rather eat “boogers.” Alex sings along with the tape; Alex, his mother, and the field-worker all laugh as they listen to the lyrics. Mr. Williams does not join in the laughter, although at one point he does contribute to a discussion about the name of a song. Later, when he states clearly that he is tired of the tape and wants it turned off, his wife resists, advising him that it “grows on you.” He retreats into reading and says nothing more.

Mr. and Ms. Williams also disagree periodically about Alexander’s schedule. In his exit interview, Mr. Williams expressed discomfort with the fact that Alexander belonged to two choirs. He seemed to be concerned that being in two choirs might compromise his son’s developing masculinity. Eventually, Alexander did drop out of one choir (and immediately enrolled in Friday night basketball). In general, Mr. Williams seems more tired and worn down than Ms. Williams. Compared to his wife, he seems to draw less pleasure from all aspects of Alexander’s events. Still, both are enthusiastic about their son’s exposure to a wide array of activities. Mr. and Ms. Williams are aware that they allocate a sizable portion of time to Alexander’s activities. What they stress, however, is the time they hold back. They comment on the activities the family has chosen not to take on (such as traveling soccer). Indeed, Alexander’s activities do involve fewer travel demands than those of other middle-class children in the study. Garrett Tallinger, for instance, routinely was driven ninety minutes (in each direction) for soccer games.

TALK, TALK, TALK: THE IMPORTANCE OF LANGUAGE USE

IN MIDDLE-CLASS FAMILIES

As a family, the Williamses freely share laughter, language, and affection. Although we heard the parents speak sharply to Alexander, we never heard them yell at him nor saw them use physical punishment. Instead, we observed them repeatedly, systematically, and determinedly use verbal negotiation to guide Alex through the challenges in his life. As Basil Bernstein has noted, rather than using authority based on position (e.g., that of being a parent) middle-class parents prefer negotiating interactions with their children in a more personalistic fashion.6 They use reasoning to bring about a desired action, and they often explain why they are asking children to do something.

More generally, the Williamses often appear to be engaged in conversations with Alexander that promote his reasoning and negotiating skills. An excerpt from field notes (describing a conversation between Alexander and his mother during a car ride home after summer camp) captures the kind of pointed questions Ms. Williams frequently asks her son.

As she drives, she asks Alex, “So, how was your day?” Alex: “Okay. We had hot dogs today, but they were burned! They were all black!” Christina: “Oh, great. You shouldn’t have eaten any.” Alex: “They weren’t all black, only half were. The rest were regular.” Christina: “Oh, okay. What was that game you were playing this morning? Alex: “It was [called] ‘Whatcha doin?’” Christina: “How do you play?”

In this exchange, Ms. Williams is doing more than eliciting information from Alex. She is also giving him the opportunity to develop and practice verbal skills, including how to summarize, highlight important details, clarify, and amplify information.

Such expressions of interest in children’s activities often lead to negotiations over small, home-based matters. For