Up & Out - Ariella Papa [95]
“Do you want to go for a run?” I ask. She shakes her head.
“What do you want?” I’m not sure if I ask her or think it to her, but I know she understands. She speaks to me and her voice is husky, as I remember it. I listened to a million CDs until I found the voice-over actress with the perfect tween husky voice.
“I want you to meet my friend.” She points to a desk where a pale girl with red hair and a ton of freckles is sitting.
“What’s her name?”
“Kim.”
Esme’s friend smiles, revealing a mouth full of braces. “I like to cook.”
“Hi,” I say as I start to wake up. “It’s very nice to meet you—”
Tommy comes in and I sit up, startled. I mute the blasting TV. He hands me a white paper bag. I smell bacon inside it. I open it to find two bacon, egg and cheese rolls.
“Bless you,” I say. I smile, and make room for him on the couch. “How is he?”
“Okay. You know, there was no real reason for me to be there and I’ve got to go to work.”
“Yeah.”
“I started asking him about what was going on with work,” Tommy explains. “I told him he couldn’t fuck this up, but he just kept drinking. You don’t think he…”
“I don’t know,” I say really fast. “I don’t think so. It doesn’t make sense, but what do I know?”
We eat our sandwiches, watching the soundless chef, Sarah Moulton, make enchiladas. There is traffic outside. People are going places; we are here.
“I wish I knew what was going on with everyone lately,” Tommy says.
“Yeah, I know.” I put the last bit of my sandwich back in the bag. “Me, too.”
“What’s up with Beth?” She’s Tommy’s sister, and, in spite of appearances, still my friend.
“I don’t know.”
“It just seems like everybody’s making it up as they go along.”
“I think they are. Nobody seems to know what the hell they’re doing anymore.”
“What are we doing? What was that about?”
“Tommy…” It was too much. It was all too much. “I don’t know.”
He looks at me. We are sitting so close to each other. Anything could happen, but nothing is going to. “I feel so fucked up lately.”
“I know, I feel like for every one step forward there are two steps back. I just can’t figure out what it is I’m supposed to be doing with my life, with anything, with you,” I say. Then I tell him about how I rely on the memory of him coming to my planet when I am feeling down. I’m not sure why I tell him. I just feel like coming clean.
“I remember that. God, I miss the X-Files,” he jokes. “Come on, it’s true. You know what I remember? I remember driving back from Matt Miller’s wedding.” Matt was a friend of his and Jordan’s from school. “Lauryn and Jordan were asleep in the back seat. You were driving and ‘Pressure’ came on the radio. I said, ‘What must it have been like for Queen and David Bowie, both total nuts, to do that song together?’ And you said, ‘Yeah. God, they bring so much to the table, it’s insane.’”
“I remember that,” I say.
“Yeah, but then I said, ‘They are even better together.’ And you said, ‘Just like us.’ And then I kissed your hand and put my head on your shoulder and we just drove. And I was sure of everything then. I was sure of you and sure of my friends.”
What do you say to that? We don’t say anything. Tommy goes into his room and I stay on the couch for a while, but then I go into my room.
I don’t think we will ever get back together. I think I’m just going to have to accept that fact.
19
Love Ridden
I am flipping from Food Network to Sundance Channel, as usual, when I go past Explore! Family. Just to torture myself, I keep it on and watch some of the ads. I’m hoping they don’t show any promos for Esme, but at the same time, I kind of want to see if they will.
Instead I see a teaser for the launch of Hannah’s Hacienda, except now it’s called A Home for Hannah and the star is a very skinny blond girl. Apparently she is able to avoid the lure of the craft service table. Then there’s a promo that talks about Gus’s surprise family member. Jordan is smiling and dancing like nothing is wrong, like he is really psyched to be introducing all the viewers to his replacement. Don tells