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By Root 374 0

duped into believing that just because we can have whomever we choose that we have to exercise that right. Women, I implore you—do not do as I have done in the past. In this instance, please consider what I have to say now that the party is over. Laurel Thatcher Ulrich contributed an empowering slogan in a 1976 printing of American Quarterly: “Well-behaved women seldom make history.” Well, like my memoirs, The Vixen Manual is a piece of my history—the history of a woman maybe less well-behaved than some but also maybe more learned in life and love’s faux pas. Contrary to what some of you may have expected, The Vixen Manual isn’t about how to please every man, but how to be worthy of just one—the right one—by way of finding peace and pleasure in ourselves. Aside from that, it’s just plain, good old-fashioned girl talk. I hope you enjoy.

Section 1

Being Single

This is how you start, as a single woman looking for a life and, eventually, a life mate. At first it is exhilarating, and then one day it becomes exhausting and you long for more. But until that day, there is a lot to consider.

Chapter One

Single vs. Singular

So you’re a single girl. You’re Mary Tyler Moore, throwing your hat up into the air, thinking you’re gonna make it after all. Maybe you’re Laverne (or Shirley), skipping down the sidewalk, determined to make your dreams come true…doing it your way. Hell, maybe you’re even Samantha Jones, the outspoken PR maven and sexual libertine from Sex and the City, sleeping with every available man, and occasional woman, who crosses your path. Whatever the case, honey, you’re single, and no matter what your theme song is, it has the potential to suck.

Odds are you’re also singular, which is pretty easy to be when you’re not in a relationship. You define yourself by setting your own boundaries, doing what you want whenever you want, mistress of all you survey within your domain. There’s no one to answer to, no feelings to consider. When a relationship enters the picture, however, it has the potential to change everything, including the singular dynamic. It becomes much more difficult—at times, nearly impossible—to focus only on yourself, but that doesn’t mean you have to give up your identity. One of the primary keys to a healthy relationship is for both of you, though no longer single, to remain singular. There’s a fine line between being in a relationship and being absorbed by one, and that’s what will happen if you’re not sure of yourself as an individual first.

As a nurturer, I have the tendency to covet and consume my mates. For most of my life, I have believed in the now-comical mantra, You complete me. So there I was, looking for a man to complete me, giving him all of me in the hopes he would return the favor and make his every waking breath my own. With each boyfriend, I wanted to go where he went and do what he did, and I would make myself available day and night, without compromise. In one of my more intense relationships, I even canceled sections of my first book tour to follow my lover as he traveled the country. I was a no-show at Temple University and several other prestigious higher learning establishments, skipping speaking engagements just to be “completed” by him. He was a nocturnal creature and, though I cherished my sleep, I would force myself to stay awake in the wee hours of the morning to be with him, forsaking rest and comfort. I would hop atop his kitchen counter at four in the morning as he juiced fresh, organic vegetables and fruits and would never share in the nectar. I’d watch him drink. I just wanted to be near him. I just wanted to be “completed.” I lost myself in him and, ironically, began to resent him because he had his own life and I didn’t! He didn’t complete me after all! We even made a funny little saying that wound up not being the slightest bit funny: “You deplete me.” That, ladies, is the sum of all parts when you cease being a singular individual before, and especially after, you are no longer single.

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Vixen Tip

For me, it’s always been difficult