Vixen Manual - Karrine Steffans [97]
It’s better to have girlfriends who are not embittered and carrying a lot of baggage from their past that they haven’t addressed. Such people have a tendency to be surrounded by dark moods and drama, themes that will inevitably be injected into your world and affect you. If you are a progressive, goal-oriented woman with a plan for her life, your friends should be mirrors of this. They don’t have to have the same pursuits, just positive outlooks and aspirations. They should be self-starters who take responsibility for themselves and not blame the world for everything that doesn’t go their way. Your friends should definitely be able to relate to your lifestyle; otherwise, you won’t ever feel like you can truly be yourself around them without being judged. It’s both comforting and encouraging to sit and talk about the same things with a woman who understands your positions on family, love, career, and life overall.
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Vixen Tip
It’s sad but true that over time we tend to outgrow our friends. This doesn’t mean that we dump them by the wayside just because our lives begin to differ. What it does mean, however, is that you shouldn’t be afraid or leery of making new friends with some of the same interests and ideas as you. You’ll find people like this in different personal and professional groups like the PTA at your children’s school or among the people you work with. Find a common interest in the women around you and build friendships from there. Hopefully, one of these will end up being a true friendship with a woman you can confide in during times of turmoil.
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What you don’t want as a friend is a woman who, every time you and your man have an issue, is quick to respond with “Fuck him, girl!” This is usually the instinctive advice of a bitter woman, one with no man of her own or with a no-good man. Your girlfriends should be the kind of people you admire, and they should admire you. You should uplift and motivate one another, knowing that every piece of advice given is given from a place of love and understanding. When you’re happy, they are happy for you, and vice versa. When you’re down, they feel your pain and help pick you up. There is a mutuality of regard and support between you. These are real girlfriends, the kind you want in your life for the long term.
My mother was right, though. Not everyone is your friend. Be aware of the people you allow into your personal realm. Choose carefully, because these are women you’ll be entrusting with your intimate secrets and relationship woes, essentially your life; if you’re lucky enough to find just one true, lifelong friend, that is a blessing. If you manage to find several, the heavens have surely smiled upon you. It means you’re doing something right.
No matter what, even if your girlfriends are the best friends you could ever ask for, never let them make relationship decisions for you. It’s nice to be able to get advice from a different perspective, but never let someone else’s experiences shape your life. Friends are there to provide support, advise, and be sounding boards, not captains of what should be your ship. You are responsible for the path you navigate. Everyone’s views are different. Your life is your own.
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Recap
As we get older, life and people disappoint us.
We often make the mistake of referring to acquaintances—meaning someone we only know in passing or on a surface level—as friends.
Real friends are people who know you on your most dynamic level, not just the surface.
The best way to have a true friend is to be one.
If you are a progressive, goal-oriented woman with a plan for her life, your friends should be mirrors of this.
What you don’t want as a friend is a woman who, every time you and your man have an issue, is quick to respond with “Fuck him, girl!”
Not everyone is your friend.
Never let your friends make relationship decisions for you.
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Chapter Forty-one
The Mind Fuck
After all you and your man have been through—drama after drama, conflict after conflict,