and seated me by him on the bed where he lay: I made the sign of the knights of the East and of Jerusalem, he responded with the same and asked me with a meek smile what I had learned and acquired in the Prussian and Scottish lodges. I told him everything, as well as I could, conveyed the principles I had suggested to our Petersburg lodge, and informed him of the bad reception I had received, and of the rift that had occurred between me and the brothers. Iosif Alexeevich, after quite a long and thoughtful silence, explained to me his view of it all, which instantly lit up for me the whole past and the whole future path that lay before me. He surprised me, asking whether I remembered the triple goal of the order: (1) keeping and knowing the mystery; (2) purifying and correcting oneself for the receiving of it; and (3) correcting the human race through striving for this purification. Which is the chiefest and first goal of the three? Of course, the purifying and correcting of oneself. It is the only goal we can strive for regardless of all circumstances. But at the same time, this goal precisely calls for our greatest effort, and therefore, deluded by pride, we neglect this goal and pursue either the mystery, which we are unworthy to partake of because of our impurity, or the correction of the human race, while we ourselves are an example of vileness and depravity. Illuminism is not a pure teaching precisely because it became concerned with social activity and is all filled with pride. On that basis, Iosif Alexeevich condemned my speech and my whole activity. I agreed with him in the depths of my soul. As our conversation turned to my family affairs, he told me: “The main duty of a true Mason, as I’ve told you, consists in perfecting one’s own self. But we often think that, by removing all difficulties from our life, we will the sooner reach this goal. On the contrary, my dear sir,” he said to me, “only amidst the world’s troubles can we achieve the three main goals: (1) self-knowledge—for man can only know himself through comparison; (2) perfection—for it is achieved only through struggle; and (3) achieving the main virtue—the love of death. Only life’s adversities can show us its vanity and contribute to our innate love of death, or rebirth into a new life.” These words are the more remarkable in that Iosif Alexeevich, despite his great physical suffering, is never burdened by life, but loves death, for which, despite all the purity and loftiness of his inner man, he still does not feel himself sufficiently prepared. Then my benefactor fully explained to me the meaning of the great square of creation, and pointed out that the numbers three and seven are the foundation of everything. He advised me not to shun the company of the Petersburg brothers and, occupying only positions of the second degree in the lodge, to try, while keeping the brothers from the passions of pride, to turn them to the true path of self-knowledge and perfection. Besides that, for me personally, he advised first of all that I keep watch over myself, and with that purpose he gave me a notebook, the one in which I am writing and will henceforth write down all my acts.
Petersburg, 23 November.
I am living with my wife again. My mother-in-law came to me in tears and said that Hélène was here and that she begged me to hear her out, that she was innocent, that she was unhappy at being abandoned by me, and many other things. I knew that if I merely allowed myself to see her, I would no longer be able to refuse her wish. In my doubt, I did not know whose help and advice to resort to. If my benefactor had been here, he would have told me. I retreated to my room, reread my letters from Iosif Alexeevich, recalled my conversations with him, and concluded from it all that I should not refuse one who asks and should offer a helping hand to anyone, all the more to someone so bound to me, and that I should bear my cross. But if I forgave her for the sake of virtue, then let my union with her have only a spiritual goal. So I decided and so I wrote to Iosif Alexeevich.