War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy [287]
“No, now that she’s become a bas-bleu,†343 she has forever renounced her former passions,” he said to himself. “There is no example of a bas-bleu having passions of the heart,” he repeated to himself a rule drawn from who knows where and which he undoubtedly believed. But, strangely, Boris’s presence in his wife’s drawing room (and he was there almost all the time) affected Pierre physically: it bound all his limbs, and destroyed the spontaneity and freedom of his movements.
“Such a strange antipathy,” thought Pierre, “and before I even liked him very much.”
In the eyes of the world, Pierre was a great lord, the somewhat blind and ridiculous husband of a famous wife, an intelligent eccentric, a do-nothing, but one who harmed nobody, a nice and kind fellow. Yet in Pierre’s soul all that time a complex and difficult work of inner development was taking place, which revealed much to him and led him to many spiritual doubts and joys.
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He continued his diary, and here is what he wrote in it during this time:
24 November.
Got up at eight o’clock, read the Holy Scriptures, then went to work [on the advice of his benefactor, Pierre had taken a post on one of the committees], came home for dinner, ate alone (the countess has many guests I find disagreeable), ate and drank with moderation, and after dinner copied out passages for the brothers. In the evening went down to the countess and told a funny story about B., and only remembered that I shouldn’t have done it when everybody was laughing loudly.
I go to bed in a happy and calm mood. Great Lord, help me to walk in Thy ways: (1) to overcome the part of wrath by gentleness and slowness; (2) of lust by restraint and repulsion; (3) to withdraw from vanity, yet not lose the habit of (a) work in government service, (b) family cares, (c) friendly relations, and(d) economic concerns.
27 November.
Woke up late, and before getting up lay in bed for a long time, indulging in laziness. My God, help me and strengthen me so that I may walk in Thy paths. Read the Holy Scriptures, but without the proper feeling. Brother Urusov came, we talked about the vanity of the world. He told me about the sovereign’s new projects. I began to object, but remembered my rules and the words of our benefactor, that a true Mason ought to be a zealous worker for the state when his participation is needed, and a calm contemplator of that to which he is not called. My tongue is my enemy. Brothers G. V. and O. visited me, there was a preparatory talk before the reception of a new brother. They laid upon me the duty of rhetor. I feel myself weak and unworthy. Then we talked about the explanation of the seven pillars and the seven steps of the temple: the seven sciences, the seven virtues, the seven vices, the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit. Brother O. was very eloquent. In the evening the reception took place. The new arrangement of the space contributed greatly to the magnificence of the spectacle. The one received was Boris Drubetskoy. I had nominated him, and I was the rhetor. A strange feeling kept troubling me all the while I was with him in the dark temple. I found that I had in me a feeling of hatred for him which I tried in vain to overcome. And therefore I would truly have wished to save him from evil and lead him to the path of truth, but bad thoughts about him did not leave me. It