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By Root 3581 0

occurred to me that the goal of his entering the brotherhood consisted only in his desire to get close to and find favor with the people who belong to our lodge. Besides the fact that he asked several times whether N. and S. belonged to our lodge (to which I could not reply), besides the fact that, from my observation, he is not able to feel respect for our holy order and is too concerned and contented with his external man to wish for spiritual improvement, I had no grounds for doubting him; but he seemed insincere to me, and all the while I stood face to face with him in the dark temple, it seemed to me that he was smiling contemptuously at my words, and I really wanted to prick his bare chest with the sword I held pointed at it. I could not be eloquent and could not sincerely inform the brothers and the grand master of my doubts. Great Architect of nature, help me to find the true paths that lead out of the labyrinth of the lie!

After that three pages were skipped in the diary and then the following was written:

Had a prolonged, instructive conversation alone with brother V., who advised me to hold on to brother A. Much has been revealed to me, unworthy though I am. Adonai is the name of the creator of the world. Elohim is the name of the ruler over all. The third name, the unutterable name, has the meaning of All. Conversations with brother V. strengthen, refresh, and confirm me on the path of virtue. In his presence there is no room for doubt. The difference between the poor teaching of social science and our holy, all-embracing teaching is clear to me. Human science fragments everything in order to understand it, kills everything in order to examine it. In the order’s holy science, everything is one, everything is known in its entirety and life. The Trinity—the three basic elements of things—sulfur, mercury, and salt. Sulfur has the properties of oil and fire; united with salt, by its fiery quality, it arouses a craving in it through which it attracts mercury, seizes it, retains it, and together they produce separate bodies. Mercury is a liquid and volatile spiritual essence—Christ, the Holy Spirit, He.

3 December.

Woke up late, read the Holy Scriptures, but was unfeeling. Afterwards went out and paced the reception room. Wanted to reflect, but instead my imagination presented me with an event that happened four years ago. Mr. Dolokhov, meeting me in Moscow after my duel, told me that he hoped I was enjoying total inner peace, despite the absence of my spouse. I made no reply then. But now I recalled all the details of this meeting and in my mind said the most spiteful words and caustic replies to him. I came to my senses and abandoned this thought only when I saw myself inflamed with wrath; but I am insufficiently repentant of it. Then Boris Drubetskoy came and began recounting various adventures; but I was displeased with his visit from the moment he came in and said something contrary to him. He objected. I flared up and told him a host of unpleasant and even rude things. He fell silent, and I thought better of it only when it was too late. My God, I’m totally unable to deal with him! This is caused by my self-love. I set myself above him and therefore make myself much worse than he, for he is indulgent towards my rudeness, but I, on the contrary, am contemptuous of him. My God, grant me to see better my own vileness in his presence and to act in such a way that it will be useful to him as well. After dinner I fell asleep, and as I was falling asleep, I clearly heard a voice say in my left ear: “Your day.”

I dreamed that I was walking in the darkness and was suddenly surrounded by dogs, but I walked on without fear; suddenly one small dog seized my left thigh with its teeth and would not let go. I began to strangle it with my hands. And I had only just torn it off when another bigger one seized me by the chest. I tore that one off, but a third, still bigger, began to bite me. I started to lift it up, but the more I lifted it, the bigger and heavier it became. And suddenly brother A. came and, taking me