War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy [289]
7 December.
Dreamed that Iosif Alexeich was sitting in my house, and I was very glad and wanted to make him welcome. That I was babbling incessantly with other people and suddenly remembered that he would not like it, and I wanted to get close to him and embrace him. But as soon as I got close to him, I saw that his face was transfigured, had become young, and he was telling me something very, very softly about the teaching of the order, so softly that I couldn’t hear it. That we all left the room, and then something complicated happened. We were sitting or lying on the floor. He was saying something to me. And I wanted to show him my sensitivity, and, without listening to what he said, I began to imagine to myself the state of my inner man and the grace of God coming upon me. And tears came to my eyes, and I was pleased that he noticed it. But he looked at me with vexation and jumped up, breaking off his conversation. I grew timid and asked whether what he was saying referred to me; but he did not reply, looked at me gently, and after that we were suddenly in my bedroom, where there was a double bed. He lay on the edge of it, and I, as if burning with the desire to caress him, lay beside him. And he asked me: “Tell me truly, what is your main predilection? Do you know it? I think you’ve already found it out.” Embarrassed by this question, I replied that laziness was my main predilection. He shook his head mistrustfully. And, still more embarrassed, I replied that, though I was living with my wife on his advice, I was not a husband to my wife. To this he objected that my wife should not be deprived of my caresses, and gave me to understand that this was my duty. But I replied that I was ashamed of it; and suddenly everything disappeared. And I woke up and found in my thoughts the text of Holy Scripture: “And the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in the darkness and the darkness comprehended it not.”12 Iosif Alexeevich’s face had been youthful and bright. That day I received a letter from my benefactor about the duty of married life.
9 December.
Had a dream from which I awakened with a pounding heart. I dreamed that I was in Moscow, in my own house, in the big sitting room, and Iosif Alexeevich came out of the drawing room. That I recognized at once that the process of rebirth had already been accomplished with him, and I rushed to meet him. That I kissed him and his hands, and he said: “Have you noticed that I now have a different face?” I looked at him, still holding him in my embrace, and saw that his face was young, but there was no hair on his head and his features were quite different. And that I said to him: “I would recognize you if I met you by chance”—and at the same time I thought: “Was I telling the truth?” And suddenly I saw that he was lying there like a dead body; then he gradually recovered and went with me into a big study, holding a big book written on royal paper. And I said: “I wrote this.” And he answered me by inclining his head. I opened the book, and there were beautiful pictures on all the pages. And I knew that these pictures represented the amorous adventures of a soul with its beloved. And I saw on the pages a beautiful image of a girl in transparent clothing and with a transparent body, flying up to the clouds. And I