Welcome to the Monkey House - Kurt Vonnegut [104]
I can’t help worrying about my business, for instance—or what used to be my business. After all, I spent thirty years building the thing up from scratch, and now the equipment is rusting and getting clogged with dirt. But even though I know it’s silly of me to care what happens to the business, I borrow a body from a storage center every so often, and go around the old hometown, and clean and oil as much of the equipment as I can.
Of course, all in the world the equipment was good for was making money, and Lord knows there’s plenty of that lying around. Not as much as there used to be, because there at first some people got frisky and threw it all around, and the wind blew it every which way. And a lot of go-getters gathered up piles of the stuff and hid it somewhere. I hate to admit it, but I gathered up close to a half million myself and stuck it away. I used to get it out and count it sometimes, but that was years ago. Right now I’d be hard put to say where it is.
But the worrying I do about my old business is bush league stuff compared to the worrying my wife, Madge, does about our old house. That thing is what she herself put in thirty years on while I was building the business. Then no sooner had we gotten nerve enough to build and decorate the place than everybody we cared anything about got amphibious. Madge borrows a body once a month and dusts the place, though the only thing a house is good for now is keeping termites and mice from getting pneumonia.
Whenever it’s my turn to get into a body and work as an attendant at the local storage center, I realize all over again how much tougher it is for women to get used to being amphibious.
Madge borrows bodies a lot oftener than I do, and that’s true of women in general. We have to keep three times as many women’s bodies in stock as men’s bodies, in order to meet the demand. Every so often, it seems as though a woman just has to have a body, and doll it up in clothes, and look at herself in a mirror. And Madge, God bless her, I don’t think she’ll be satisfied until she’s tried on every body in every storage center on Earth.
It’s been a fine thing for Madge, though. I never kid her about it, because it’s done so much for her personality. Her old body, to tell you the plain blunt truth, wasn’t anything to get excited about, and having to haul the thing around made her gloomy a lot of the time in the old days. She couldn’t help it, poor soul, any more than anybody else could help what sort of body they’d been born with, and I loved her in spite of it.
Well, after we’d learned to be amphibious, and after we’d built the storage centers and laid in body supplies and opened them to the public, Madge went hog wild. She borrowed a platinum blonde body that had been donated by a burlesque queen, and I didn’t think we’d ever get her out of it. As I say, it did wonders for her self-confidence.
I’m like most men and don’t care particularly what body I get. Just the strong, good-looking, healthy bodies were put in storage, so one is as good as the next one. Sometimes, when Madge and I take bodies out together for old times’ sake, I let her pick out one for me to match whatever she’s got on. It’s a funny thing how she always picks a blond, tall one for me.
My old body, which she claims she loved for a third of a century, had black hair, and was short and paunchy, too, there toward the last. I’m human and I couldn’t help being hurt when they scrapped it after I’d left it, instead of putting it in storage. It was a good, homey, comfortable body; nothing fast and flashy, but reliable. But there isn’t much call for that kind of body at the centers, I guess. I never ask for one, at any rate.
The worst experience I ever had with a body was when I was flimflammed into taking out the one that had belonged to Dr. Ellis Konigswasser. It belongs to the Amphibious Pioneers’ Society and only gets taken out once a year for the big Pioneers’ Day Parade, on the anniversary