What Would Satan Do_ - Anthony Miller [135]
“Totally,” said Raju.
“I am not the Antichrist,” said Liam.
The rumbling and shaking got louder.
“You are,” said Festus.
“So,” said Lola, mulling it over. “That story about you and the vice president – that was true?”
Liam shrugged. “This is crazy,” he said to Festus.
Festus pointed to the big, winged guy there in the hall way, and then to the splatted Cadmon. “Crazier than that? Or that?”
“Okay,” said Satan. “Let’s kill him.”
“No!” said Lola. She stepped in front of Liam and brandished the gun at Satan. The building stopped shaking.
A wry smile came over Liam’s face. “You’d defend me against the Devil himself?”
“Well, yeah,” she said, returning the smile.
“How about me?” asked Raju. “Would you defend my honor, too?”
Lola slapped him.
“You are the Antichrist,” said Festus. He spun to face Satan. “I’m right, aren’t I?”
Satan nodded. “We should kill him.”
“No!” said Lola.
“Alright,” said Liam. “Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that I am.”
“You are,” said Festus.
“Fine,” said Liam. “Okay, so what do I do?”
“Probably die,” said Satan.
“Other than that?”
Satan crossed his arms, put his chin in his hand, and sighed. “I don’t know.” He cogitated, his lips pursed intensely. “Probably best just to go ahead die. I’m happy to help.”
“Wait,” said Festus. “When does this … stuff happen?”
“What do you mean?” asked Liam.
“It’s when you’re angry, or upset, right?”
“Sure,” Liam nodded. He heaved a weary sigh. “Yeah, you know, weird stuff happens when I get pissed.”
“Ooh!” said Satan. “I can help with that. Watch this.” He made some horsey breathing sounds. “Helps,” he said in between breaths. “Totally.”
Liam, Lola, Festus, and Raju just stared at the hyperventilating Lord of the Underworld. He stared back. Liam, Lola, and even Festus immediately found other, much more interesting things to stare at. Raju kept on staring.
“Dude,” he said, “what the fuck are you doing?”
Satan’s respiratory distress came to an immediate and abrupt halt. “It is,” he said, lingering on the hissing sibilant, “an anger management exercise.”
“Oh,” said Raju. He nodded, and stuck out his lower lip. “Cool.”
“Okay,” said Festus, “so don’t get angry. Or control your anger. Try breathing, like Satan says.”
“But I’m not angry right now. Kind of tense, I guess, but not angry.” The floor started shaking again as if to emphasize his point.
“Hmm…” said Festus. He glanced at Satan.
Satan held up his hands as if Festus were about to shoot. “You know what I think.”
“I guess,” said Liam, “that lately I’ve been feeling … I don’t know … out of sorts. Like something just isn’t right. I thought I was depressed.”
“Yeah?” asked Festus. “For how long?”
Satan rolled his eyes and sighed impatiently.
“I told you!” said Raju, finally recovered from Lola’s most recent beat down. “I told you! I said your chakras all fucked up! Didn’t I? Didn’t I?” He eyed everyone in turn. “Didn’t I?”
“Raju, shut up!” said Liam, Lola, and Festus.
“Yes,” said Satan. “Please shut up.”
Lola regarded Liam for a moment, and then tucked the pistol back into the waist of her pants and stepped over to where he stood. She lifted her hand, placed it on his cheek, and stared straight into his eyes. They stood like that for several seconds.
“Dude,” said Raju. “What’s—?”
“It’s your choice,” said Lola. “You have to choose.”
He stared at her.
“It’s your choice,” she said.
She leaned in and gave him a soft kiss.
Liam stared at her for a moment, and then a look of recognition spread over his face. He smiled, leaned in, and kissed her back.
“Dude,” said Raju. “That’s awesome. But wait, what are we going to do about—” And then the rumbling stopped.
“It’s done,” said Satan.
“What?” asked Raju. “That’s it.” He looked to Festus for support, but Festus was lost in his own thoughts.
“Neither shall he regard the God of his fathers, nor the desire of women, nor regard any god: for he shall magnify himself above all,” said Festus.
“What the fuck does that mean?” asked Raju.
“It means,” said Festus,