Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead_. But Gutsy Girls Do - Kate White [43]
Initially, making an instant decision seems scary. But if you're skilled at your job and on top of your responsibilities, there's every reason you should be able to decide something instantaneously—unless you have to look up numbers or get an okay from higher up. The reason we so often say, “I'll get back to you” isn't that we don't know the answer but because we've gotten into the habit of delaying a response (it's like saying, “ummmmm” when we speak), or we're doing it so we don't have to hurt anyone's feelings on the spot.
Begin by making instant decisions on issues that you could later change your mind on if necessary. Your paperwork will drop by about 30 percent. Anyone who works for you will love it because most employees want an answer and it drives them insane to wait. And, you will seem incredibly decisive to anyone around you.
THE BEST LESSON DR. RUTH TAUGHT ME
When I was the executive editor in charge of articles at Mademoiselle, Dr. Ruth Westheimer was a frequent contributor who conducted roundtables for us with young women on the topic of sex. I spent time with her before the roundtables, going over the questions and details, and I discovered that she is every bit as dynamic and wonderful in person as she is on talk shows. It would be nice if I could admit that she taught me about some exotic sexual techniques guaranteed to keep a marriage rated R for fifty years, but that's not the case What I learned isn't very sexy and yet it's served me well.
Every time Dr Ruth came to the Mademoiselle offices to conduct a roundtable in our showroom, she'd say. “Kate. I need to tek a vew minoots alone inn your ahfeece ” She'd then spend ten minutes eating a sandwich at my desk with the door closed. At the time I was struck mostly by the fact that her feet didn't touch the floor as she ate, but years later something else occurred to me. What she was doing was creating a little pocket of peace and quiet for herself—and I'm sure it helped refresh and energize her. I believe she was the first woman I ever saw give herself permission to do that during a workday.
I try to do that for myself now, by sneaking off to have lunch by myself or even getting a massage That's a hard thing for good girls to do because we feel that it's a sign of laziness to play. But a break ends up in the long run making you more productive. Give yourself permission.
CHAPTER SIX
Strategy #4: A Gutsy Girl Doesn't Worry Whether People Like Her
The bottom line root of all my problems is I had a fear of not being liked. … I ended up ruling my life based upon what other people wanted me to do…. Like most women, I think I was raised with this disease to please…. It kept me from really being the person that I think I was born to be.
If you had to guess who made the above statement, you just might assume it was a guest on Sally Jessy Raphael or Oprah, bemoaning why life hadn't gone her way. But these words actually came from Oprah herself. Oprah Winfrey, whose ‘93–94 income was estimated at $105 million. What she seemed to be saying was that she could have done even more with her life if she hadn't been concerned with taking care of other people's needs at the expense of her own.
Now, it boggles my mind to imagine Oprah accomplishing anything more than she already has, but who knows? Maybe she could have been a star talk-show host, an Oscar-nominated actress, an outstanding businesswoman, and a pediatric neurosurgeon if she hadn't been such a pleaser. But regardless, I think every good girl can relate to her words, particularly that phrase “disease to please.”
Why can pleasing people be seen as a disease? Because no matter how much it might benefit anyone else, it can impair your own vitality and ability to function well.
The drive to please starts early. Every woman can look back and see how she was encouraged to be a