Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead_. But Gutsy Girls Do - Kate White [44]
Consider this fascinating nugget: In a study done recently by a Loyola University-Chicago marketing expert, it was found that by the age of three, many American girls have already learned the basics of such typically female adult rituals as gift-buying and party-giving.
“In our culture, women are primarily responsible for most of the gift- and party-giving.” says study coauthor Mary Ann McGrath, Ph.D., an associate professor of marketing at Loyola. “Through this study, we've found that girls are taught these roles, consciously or unconsciously, much earlier than we realized.”
In describing reasons for giving birthday gifts, boys were much more likely to give pragmatic answers, while girls were generally more altruistic and tended to focus on the pleasure experienced by both the giver and the recipient. One typical girl's response was, “It's nice to give presents … then they get to have lots of toys.”
Women today have become more aware of how the need to please can dominate our personal lives, especially with our boyfriends and spouses. There have been countless books and articles on how we assume the “caretaker” role in relationships, and we've learned that it's enormously healthy to learn to share that job.
We might not be aware, however, of how it takes hold at work. That “please be nice” message has burrowed in pretty deep by this point and it may affect how you relate to your boss, your peers, and your subordinates. Management consultant Judy Markus, who as head of Communication Dynamics advises hundreds of clients each year, makes this observation: “Women want to walk out of a room of business associates and feel liked by everyone in that room.”
It may seem up until now that I'm implying that trying to please people and make them like you isn't a worthwhile goal. But that's not the case at all.
“The desire to please others is a tremendously positive one,” says Judith Jordan, Ph.D., a psychologist and coauthor of Women's Growth in Connection. “It helps knit society together.”
It's also an essential part of our nature as females, though excuse me for paraphrasing Marilyn Quayle. According to Jean Baker Miller, the founder of the Stone Center for Research on Women at Wellesley, “Women mature in the context of relationship, contrary to the male model of autonomy and separation.” Whereas little boys must partially break away from their mothers in order to shape their identity, girls are able to form a tighter bond. Miller says that girls and women thrive in relationships and for women the apex of development is to “weave themselves zestfully into a web of strong relationships that they experience as empowering, activating, honest, and close.” Our sense of self rests on our ability to do that.
And though this sounds far less noble, and even downright mercenary, career success depends to a large degree on having the right people like you and knowing how to please them. (More about this later.)
The trouble starts when your need to please inhibits your ability to get your job done and advance your gutsy-girl plan. Playing the pleaser can cut into your time—you don't take care of your priorities because you are busy holding someone's hand or bailing them out. One theory suggests that one factor that may limit female college professors’ ability to “publish,” and thus win tenure, is the amount of time they spend mentoring, nurturing, and coordinating activities with students.
Even if you're not giving too much of your time, a desire to be liked can simply create a perception of you that undermines your efforts. You come across as needy and dependent (think Sally Field at the Academy Awards). And ultimately that can take away your control.
‘When your sense of self-worth is dependent on whether other people like you, you end up giving your power to them.” says Denver psychologist Robin Post, who counsels many career women she sees caught in the pleaser role. Over time your boss realizes that