Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead_. But Gutsy Girls Do - Kate White [48]
But what often happens when you start to investigate is that you learn there were other forces at work. And even if you are culpable, the facts you get are the first step to solving the problem. Besides, all the busywork does a beautiful job of preventing you from agonizing.
LEARNING TO LOVE CRITICISM
An unavoidable part of your job is having your boss criticize your work at times No matter how talented and capable you are, there will be instances when you screw up, go down the wrong road, or simply handle a problem in a way that may be perfectly okay but is different from how your boss would handle it. Your boss will then say the most ominous words in the world: “Could you drop by my office?” She may be a yeller and a screamer and thus you're about to have your day ruined (see Chapter 12 on looking for another job). Or she may be the rational type who will sanely bring the problem to your attention and discuss the need to fix it or prevent it in the future.
Though the latter approach is, of course, preferable, a good girl hates criticism no matter how it's delivered. That's because, like so many things, she takes it personally. The criticism is not simply about her work, but about her. (“If I were really good, I wouldn't have screwed up”) If the criticism comes from a boss whom she feels very connected to, it's a double whammy. (“If she likes me, how can she say that?”)
When you take criticism this personally, it's likely to trigger a defensive reaction. You may get sullen, prickly, tearful, or argumentative.
This kind of defensive reaction causes two big problems. Often, the more strongly you resist criticism, the more aggressive your criticizer becomes. The boss ends up saying something stronger and sharper to drive her point home better—and that's likely to leave you feeling even worse.
There's a long-term repercussion as well. According to Pepper Schwartz, professor of sociology at the University of Washington, studies show that bosses avoid giving criticism to women who take it too personally. “Rather than face your reaction,” she said, “they decide over time not to say anything. But then you don't hear what you need to hear. It's through criticism that you grow and learn and improve.”
When I was in my twenties my boss told me I dug in my heels too much when he offered criticism. It won't surprise you to learn that the first reaction I had in mind was, “No, I don't!” But a little voice whispered that if I knew what was good for me, I'd stand there and nod my head in agreement. Over time, I've learned two techniques for responding to criticism.
The first I picked up from one of the gutsiest girls I've ever worked with. When her boss criticized her she would listen carefully and then she would play back exactly what her boss had just said. She'd say something like, “Steve, it sounds that you're very concerned that I haven't been such-and-such. I can see how you might have thought that.” At first this tactic struck me as not only nervy, but dangerous. Why draw even more attention to the criticism by repeating it? It might add to the legitimacy of the boss's complaint by making it appear that you were pleading guilty.
But that's not what happens. When you repeat back what your boss has said, you immediately dissolve the tension in the room because you've given your boss credit for her perceptions. As a boss I'm always expecting an employee to get defensive about criticism, and it's a relief when she seems open to what I have to say. Believe it or not, it also takes the sting out of the criticism once you've articulated it yourself. It's a little bit like lancing a boil.
Your next move is to offer a solution. Ideally your boss will have a few suggestions, but many bosses just aren't good at that. They're so relieved to get