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—and also hard to keep that awkwardness fully contained. When Liz Smith, gutsy girl par excellence, was a contributing editor of McCall's, I was struck by how fabulous she looked every time she entered a room. She was always the essence of poise and power. Several times she came to company cocktail parties and you would have thought a movie star had just arrived by the way people gawked at her entrance. I kept wondering what it was about her. Certainly her clothes played a big part. She wears these beautiful signature blazers—for day or night. Also, I think she's one of those people who come out of the womb with an aura around them. But I finally realized that there's something else that makes her seem so in control. She never, ever touches her hands to her face the way so many women do, particularly when they walk into a new or stressful setting. Studies show that women tend to engage in far more “self-related” activity than men, such as touching their face or pushing back their hair. When you touch your hand to your face or hair, you're announcing to the room that you're worried about how you look and how you'll come across, and everyone picks up subliminally on that insecurity.

THE MYTH OF TALKING TOUGH

Just as women were encouraged to dress like men in the 70s and 80s, we were also told we ought to talk like them too. In his 1977 bestseller Success, author Michael Korda said that “hitting hard” was the first rule for success for women and he issued this strong advisory: “Ambitious women must learn that they can't win by charm, persuasion and tactful pressure.”

Korda said women should try to sound even tougher than men. “Suggest radical innovations,” he said, “talk tough, accuse other people of timidity and ‘good guy’ behavior … take the hard line on every occasion. If a man suggests that the situation calls for a stiff letter, say ‘stiff letter, hell, let's sue.’ ” Korda and many other experts suggested that women completely play down their femininity when they spoke. They shouldn't talk about their feelings or personal experiences, or, God forbid, sound too sensitive.

There are several major drawbacks to this talk-like-a-man approach. As communications consultant Pam Zarit says, it's the equivalent of wearing a tight helmet on your head all day long.

And, as many women began to discover, this advice wasn't necessarily right—at least in many instances. Charm works, persuasion works, and so does tactful pressure. And more and more, the feminine perspective is perceived as extremely valuable.

When you let yourself speak naturally, it's both exhilarating and effective. My own liberation came through some work I did with Zarit.

I'd actually begun taking public speaking lessons after a disastrous presentation I made at Glamour. While an assistant in the merchandising department, I was asked to cover for a sick editor and give a short talk to store buyers on fashion trends for fall. Someone on staff who critiqued my presentation said I had come across like “a funeral director discussing coffin options.” It wasn't until I hooked up with Zarit, however, that I feel I hit my stride. The first thing she did was encourage me to talk from abbreviated notes rather than a prepared speech and to use lots of anecdotes, because she felt I sounded best when I was talking conversationally. In fact, she said, the executives she worked with who were the most charismatic speakers were those who didn't try to keep the unique aspects of their personalities under wrap for fear that they wouldn't conform to some professional model.

I soon found that this made me feel far more comfortable— and effective—as a public speaker. But something else happened, too. I began to use the same approach in one-on-one dealings. Instead of going by a script, saying what I thought a person in my position ought to say or what I assumed the other person wanted to hear, I became more and more comfortable saying what was on my mind.

Don't be afraid of the sound of your own voice. Growing up, girls of my generation heard that they should let the boy do