Why Good Girls Don't Get Ahead_. But Gutsy Girls Do - Kate White [61]
That kind of instruction seems to haunt us in our careers, no matter how much of value we have to say. In her best-selling book You Just Don't Understand, linguist Deborah Tannen cites research on how women with expertise in a certain field showed support for their male conversational partners (saying things like “Yeah” and “That's right”) far more than the nonexpert they were talking to showed support for them. The women not only didn't wield their expertise as power, but tried to play it down and make up for it through extra assenting behavior. They acted as if their expertise were something to hide. The need to be nice and develop rapport subjugated any desire to show off knowledge and experience.
Tannen believes that one of the reasons men get into lecturing women is because women listen attentively and don't interrupt with challenges, sidetracks, or “matching.” Men also attempt to lecture other men, but the male listeners are experienced at butting in with their own opinions.
Though women may think they're doing the right thing by being such attentive listeners, Tannen wonders if men may actually be disappointed in a conversational partner who turns out to have nothing to say.
Show off your expertise, offer your insight. You'll be surprised at how much they like it. And don't be embarrassed about your experience as a female. When McCall's hosted a roundtable discussion with the seven female U.S. senators, Senator Barbara Boxer of California said, “One thing I sense we do more than our male colleagues is use our experiences. We don't put our experiences over here and our senatorship over there. It becomes one.”
Senator Patty Murray of Washington concurred: “We bring our personal struggles to the Senate—and we're not afraid to talk about them and fight for them. That's why you're seeing the women senators coalescing around budget, health, education and workplace issues—because we struggle with these at home.”
THREE LITTLE WAYS TO SOUND GUTSIER
Though you shouldn't be afraid to sound like a woman, you don't want to sound like a good girl.
1. Always Cut to the Chase
When it's time to pitch an idea to me, good-girl editors often start off giving lots of background information, and slowly wind their way to what the essence of the story is going to be. By the time they get there, I'm in a stupor or convinced that the idea isn't good because if it was the editor would be bursting at the seams.
The gutsy girls, on the other hand, start with a clear, powerful working title that snares you immediately Then they succinctly build their case. I had an editor pitch an idea the other day with the title “Love Map to Your Husband's Body: His 7 Best Pleasure Points.” I can't help it—I wanna know more.
You should use the same get-to-the-point strategy when you talk in business. And come to think of it, the catchy title idea could work well, too. Consider what a great reaction you'd get if you announced to your boss that you had “A Surprising New Way to Boost Sales,” “Software that Will Revolutionize How the Department Does Business,” or “Four Steps that Will Trim the Fat off the Budget.”
These cut-to-the-chase guidelines ought to be used in every memo you write, too.
2. Never Start a Statement with “I Don't Know”
Carol Gilligan found that the girls she studied often used that phrase to introduce their most astute observations, and I've noticed how often women use it too, even when they are about to offer a legitimate opinion.
3. Don't Hedge
Years ago, long before I heard of Deborah Tannen, I interviewed a linguist named Robin Lakoff, who had documented the speech patterns of women. According to Lakoff, throughout history women have listened more than they've spoken and agreed more than they have confronted. They have been delicate and indirect when they've spoken, and have said dangerous things in such a way that their impact would be felt after the speaker was out of range